Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Uncle Meat
Ian: Dee . . . dee BAH dam . . . eeeeh-dam pa-pa-pa-pa-pam . . . tee-pa pa-pa-pa-pa-pam! And just wail out the last one.
Bunk: Mmm, let's [stack] here, then.
Ian: Yeah.
Bunk: Three, four . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Uncle Meat
The air
Escaping from your mouth
The hair
Escaping from your nose
My heart
Escaping from the scraping
And the shaping
Of the draping . . .
I'm awaking
In a T-shirt
In a Chevy
At the beach
And I'm freezing
And I'm wheezing
And I know
You were only teasing
I hit you
Then I beat you
Then I told you
That I love you
In my car
In a jar
In my car
In a jar

The air
Escaping from your pits
The hair
Escaping from my teeth
My hands
Are gripping
But they're slipping
And they're dripping
'Cause I'm tripping
I got busted
(Wasted)
Coming through customs
(I'm so wasted)
With a suitcase
(Wasted)
Full of tapes
(I'm so wasted)
It was special
Tape recording
And they grabbed me
While I was boarding
Yes, they grabbed me
Then they beat me
Then they told me
They don't like me
And I crashed
In my Nash
We can crash
In my Nash
We can crash
In my Nash
We can crash
In my Nash
We can crash
In my Nash

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Uncle Meat
I must be free
My fake I.D.
Freeeeeees me
Gotta do a few things
To make my life complete
I gotta live my life
Out on the street
The difference between us
Is not very far
Cruising for burgers
In daddy's new car
My phony freedom card
Brings to me
Instantly
ECSTASY

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Uncle Meat
Ah, tengo na minchia tanta
Tengo na minchia accussi'
Devi usare un pollo
Devi usare un pollo
Se me la vuoi tastar

Tengo na minchia tanta
Tengo na minchia accussi'
Tengo na minchia tanta
Tengo na minchia accussi'
Devi usare un pollo
Se me la vuoi misurar
Devi usare un pollo
Se me la vuoi tastar

Tengo na minchia tanta
Tengo na minchia accussi'
Tengo na minchia tanta
Tengo na minchia accussi'
Guarda che se la mangia
E mentre se la sta a pappa'
Chiedimi che cosa fa
Se la sta a succhia'

Tengo na minchia tanta
Tengo na minchia accussi'
Tengo na minchia tanta
Tengo na minchia
Devi usare un pollo
Devi usare . . . se la vuoi misurar
Devi usare un pollo
Se me la vuoi tastar

Tengo na minchia tanta
Phyllis: That Tishman . . .
Tengo na minchia accussi'
Tengo na minchia tanta
Phyllis: 'Til this day I don't know what he's talking about!
Tengo na minchia da tastar
Mmmmm
Come on, baby
Come on, baby, suck my fire!
Oh yeah . . .

Guarda che se la mangia
Tengo na minchia accussi'
Guarda che se la mangia
Mentre se la sta a pappa'
Chiedimi che cosa fa
Ma e chiaro! Se la sta a succhia'

Tengo na minchia tanta
Tengo na minchia accussi'
Guarda che se la mangia
Guarda che se la mangia e se la sta a succhia'
Darling
Darling
Darling
Look at your sister
Do something like that, thanks

Devi usare un pollo
Devi usarlo per misurar
Phyllis: Frank!
Aynsley: . . . this is the Mothers of Invention movie!
Phyllis: But . . .
Cosi' me la potrai succhiar
You both suck in stereo
Jesus!

Tengo na minchia tanta
Tengo na minchia accussi'
Tengo na minchia tanta
Tengo na minchia
Tengo na minchia tanta

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Uncle Meat
[0:00]

Phyllis: I used to watch him eat, and while he was eating I would talk to him, and while he was eating I would ask him what he was doing, and all he would say was, "I'm using the chicken to measure it." Till this day I still don't know what he was talking about! That Minnesota Tishman, he was some guy, but I still never understood what he meant. The chicken to measure it, I don't know, probably some secret thing.

Phyllis: "I'm getting hot. You're really good at those dials, baby. You're the most manipulating person I've ever seen. What's he eating? Is he turning into a monster? Frank: But you're just making things out of it. Don: Put it in your mouth then your eyes. Frank: You're getting hot, come on! The last that . . . " I don't like this page, it's not so funny . . .
FZ: What's the difference?
Phyllis: I don't like this page, it's not so funny. "Oh, this gets me hot! Oh, this gets me hot! Will get hot, I can get hot over it. Get hot over the hamburger, I can get it, you're getting hot, oh, am I hot over this hamburger! Think am I hot, for a hundred dollars you're getting hot, oh, am I hot, I'm so hot, I'm so hot from this hamburger, I'm hot."

[1:08]

Phyllis: Well, I'll just continue on with my work, I can't be thinking about such things, gets me too confused. I think I need a shower, I'm tired, I'm hot, the room air-conditioning is not working. If you don't pay the bills, how does the air-conditioning gonna work? I'm going.

Massimo: And now, dear friends, we are going to translate. This is my left hand.
Phyllis: This is . . .
Meredith: Violence!
Stumuk: This is my left hand, non?
Meredith: Violence! Ooh, I just, ooh!
Guy From Alabama: You have an orgasm?
Aynsley: No, but it just feels good!
Guy From Alabama: Can I watch?
Don: That's what we need, progress!
Aynsley: Actually I think that's uh, that's cool.
Guy From Alabama: Get the girl here in the red.
Aynsley: Yeah.
Massimo: Repeat after me: Questa e la mia mano destra
Stumuk: Questa e mia mano destra
Don: Progress!
Phyllis: Where's the prostate gland?
Massimo: Look out!
Don: Progress is our most important product.
Massimo: Guardalo che mangia! E mentre sta mangiando parlami mentre mangi. E chiedimi cosa sta facendo.
Stumuk: Parle mi.
Massimo: Che cosa sta facendo? Sta mangiando. Adesso chiedimi cosa sta facendo. Sta mangiando
Stumuk: Guarda sta fachendo!
Massimo: Ma non lo posso fare.
Stumuk: Sta mangiando!
Massimo: Me ne devo andare.
Stumuk: Mene debo ndare!
Massimo: Devo tornare.
Stumuk: Dere tocnare!
Massimo: Era un senatore a trentasette anni.
Stumuk: Era un senatore de setreste ano.

[2:26]

Guy From Alabama: What band being you playing in?
Aynsley: I played in a blues band.
Guy From Alabama: Blues band, so do I!
Aynsley: Blues.
Guy From Alabama: Blues!
Aynsley: Blues avant-garde, you know?
Guy From Alabama: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Massimo: And this is my last single.

Phyllis: Oh, what is he doing? You still carrying on with that song? It's the same thing? I can't, I can't do it anymore. I'm going to make these louder so I don't have to hear about him. Forget the past!
Don: I'm sure that it's going to be a hit single.
Phyllis: We're coming to the beginning of a new era, wherein the development of the inner self. But you, what do you do? You watch television and you play with "The Bun," driving me crazy. Leave me alone.
Stumuk: But this is twelve years later.
Phyllis: I know.
Stumuk: Have a new "Bun."
Phyllis: I know.
Stumuk: A better "Bun."
Phyllis: What kind of new "Bun"? You . . .
Stumuk: A brown "Bun."
Phyllis: Every year you tell me is a new "Bun," I'm tired of this. I'm gonna, I'm gonna give it all up, I'm gonna go back to New York, I'm tired of you already. Finish! I can't. No, no, no, no. Go! Can you stop me?

FZ: I wanna do another take of the same situation from the other side.
Carl: Let me go on the other side.
FZ: And Mr. Tishman, it's, you've gotta find . . .
Phyllis: When I remember this . . .
FZ: Yeah
Carl: Let me just see uh, "Bun."
FZ: Minnesota Tishman.
Phyllis: Right here.
Carl: Uh, give me the, give me . . . first . . .
Phyllis: I remember that guy . . .
FZ: Isn't he handsome?
Phyllis: Yeah.
FZ: He was using the chicken to measure it.
Haskell Wexler: Can I stop now, Frank?
FZ: Sure.
Haskell Wexler: Okay, cut the cam.

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Hot Rats
I'm a little pimp with my hair gassed back
Pair a khaki pants with my shoe shined black

Got a little lady . . . walk the street
Tellin' all the boys that she cain't be beat

Twenny dollah bill (I can set you straight)
Meet me onna corner boy 'n don't be late

Man in a suit with a bow-tie neck
Wanna buy a grunt with a third party check

Standin' onna porch of the Lido Hotel
Floozies in the lobby love the way I sell:
HOT MEAT
HOT RATS
HOT CATS
HOT RITZ
HOT ROOTS
HOT SOOTS

HOT MEAT
HOT RATS
HOT CATS
HOT ZITZ
HOT ROOTS
HOT SOOTS

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Hot Rats
FZ: Take two
How many bars?
FZ: Uh . . . Why don't you count it off?
Alright
FZ: You start . . . You three start together on this
Alright
One . . . Two . . . One, two . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Burnt Weeny Sandwich
(R. Dobard/L. McDaniels)

I say WPLJ, really taste good to me
WPLJ, won't you take a drink with me
Well, it's a good good wine
It really make you feel so fine
(So fine, so fine, so fine)

I went to the store when they opened up the door
I said: "Please please please gimme some more"
White Port & Lemon Juice,
White Port & Lemon Juice,
White Port & Lemon Juice,
Ooh what it do to you!

You take the bottle, you take the can
Shake it up fine, you get a good good wine.
White Port & Lemon Juice,
(Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah . . . )
White Port & Lemon Juice,
White Port & Lemon Juice,
Ooh what it do to you!

The W is the White,
The P is the Port,
The L is the Lemon,
The J is the Juice
White Port & Lemon Juice,
White Port & Lemon Juice,
White Port & Lemon Juice,
Ooh what it do to you!

Well I feel so good, I feel so fine
I got plenty lovin', I got plenty wine
White Port & Lemon Juice,
White Port & Lemon Juice,
I said White Port & Lemon Juice,
Ooh what it do to you!

Roy: Por que no consigues tu . . . tu carnal que nos compre some wine ese, andale, pinche bato, puto, hombre, no te hagas nalga, hombre . . . (chale!) no seas tan denso, hombre (chale!), andale, dile, porque no merecer, andale, pinche vino, mas sua . . . mas suave es, mas . . . mas lindo que la chingada, hombre, andale, pinche bato, hombre, quiere tu carnal, hombre, tu carnal ese, tu, tu sabes, tu sabes esto de la movida, tu sabes la movida, ese, tu sabes como es, tu sabes, pinche vino, puta, andale, pinche bato, cabron, andale
?: This is getting me in trouble . . .
Roy: Andale, hombre, por que no, hombre?
?: Sorry!
Roy: Te digo que si, hombre, te digo, chingao ese, esta mas . . . esta mas meco, hombre, ponemos mas mecos que la chingada, ay! Ay, bato pinche, ay!

God, that's-They get to you after a while

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Burnt Weeny Sandwich
FZ: Thank you, good night . . . Thank you, if you'll . . . if you sit down and be quiet, we'll make an attempt to, ah, perform Brown Shoes Don't Make It.
Man In Uniform: Back on your seats, come on, we'll help you back to your seats, come on . . .
Guy In The Audience: Take that man out of here! Oh! Go away! Take that uniform off man! Take that bloody uniform before it's fuckin' too late, man!
FZ: Everybody in this room is wearing a uniform, and don't kid yourself.
Guy In The Audience: . . . man!
FZ: You'll hurt your throat, stop it!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Burnt Weeny Sandwich
(Jackie & The Starlites)

La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la la

Although you don't want me no more
Oh, but it's alright, alright with me
'Cause you know, you're gonna want me some day
Yes, you will want me, and I'll run away

Oh, Valarie
(Valarie)
Valarie
(Valarie)
Valarie
Don't you want me?
Don't you need me?

Valarie
Valarie
Valarie
Valarie

Although you don't want me no more
Oh, but it's alright, it's alright with me
'Cause you know, you're gonna want me some day
Oh, you will want me, and I'll run away

Oh, Valarie
Valarie
Valarie
Valarie

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Weasels Ripped My Flesh
Direct
Directly from my heart to you
Direct
Directly from my heart to you
Oh, you know that I love you
That's why I feel so blue

Oh, I pray
Our love would last away
I pray
That our love would last away
Yeah, we'd be so happy together
But you're so far away

Well, I need
(Oh, baby, need you baby)
I need you by my side
Well, I need
Yes, I need you by my side
Oh, I'd loved you little darlin'
Your love I could never hide

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Weasels Ripped My Flesh
[includes a fragment from the 6th Symphony "Pathetique" (Tchaikovsky)]

FZ: Blow your harmonica, son . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Weasels Ripped My Flesh
[includes a quote from You Oughta Be In Pictures (Heyman/Suesse)]


FZ: At this very moment on stage we have drummer A playing in 7/8, drummer B playing in 3/4, the bass playing in 3/4, the organ playing in 5/8, the tambourine playing in 3/4, and the alto sax blowing his nose

HANDS UP!
POO-LAAAH!

FZ: Thank you

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Weasels Ripped My Flesh
Motorhead: Yes . . . be hot . . . and everybody workin' on it . . . so I figured I'd rip off her . . . her drawers and get a little

FZ: We'll be back in a little while

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Weasels Ripped My Flesh
You know, your mama and your daddy
Saying I'm no good to you
They call me dirty from the alley
Till I don't know what to do
I get so tired of sneakin' around
Just to get to your back door
I crawled past the garbage and
Your mama jumped out, screamin'
"Don't come back no more"
I can't take it
My guitar wants to kill your mama
My guitar wants to kill your mama
My guitar wants to burn your dad
I get real mean when it makes me mad

Later I tried to call you
Your mama told me you weren't there
She told me don't bother to call again
Unless I cut off all my hair
I get so tired of sneakin' around
Just to get to your back door
I crawled past the garbage and
Your mama jumped out, screamin'
"Don't come back no more"

Later I tried to call you
Your mama told me you weren't there
She told me don't bother to call again
Unless I cut off all my hair
I get so tired of sneakin' around
Just to get to your back door
I crawled past the garbage and
Your mama jumped out, screamin'
"Don't come back no more"
My guitar wants to kill your mama
My guitar wants to kill your mama
My guitar wants to burn your dad
I get real mean when it makes me mad

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Weasels Ripped My Flesh
FZ: Good night boys & girls . . . Thank you for coming to our concert

Zappa!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Chunga's Revenge
Don't it ever get lonesome?
Yeah! Sure gets lonesome . . .
Don't it ever get sad when you go out on the road?
Oh, there was one time in Minneapolis . . . when I thought I had the clap for sure
Don't it ever get lonesome?
Lonesome ain't the word
Don't it ever get sad when you go out on a thirty day tour?
Oh, I'll take away . . .
You got nothing but groupies and promotors to love you
And a pile of laundry by the hotel door

Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever give a young man the blues?
Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever make a young man wanna go back home?
When the P.A. system eats it,
And the band plays some of the most terrible shit you've ever known

Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you better get a
Shot of the doctor for what the
Road Ladies do to you?

I know someday I will never,
I'll never go out on the road again, oh, yeah . . .
I know someday I will never,
I ain't gonna roam the country side
No more
I'm gonna hang up them ol' holiday inns, yeah
And heal my knees up,
From when I was doin' it on the floor
See me doing it!
See me doing on the floor

Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you better get a
Shot of the doctor for what the
Road Ladies do to you?

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Chunga's Revenge
Tell me you love me, tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me, tell me you love me
Girl... Girl... Girl...
I love you so hard now, I'm cryin' for you
Don't make me lose my pride
I want to come inside
And grab ahold of you, thank you
Grab ahold of you
Tell me you love me, tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me, tell me you love me
Girl... Girl... Girl...
I want to feel it, give me your love now
Don't make me steal it, don't make me steal it
Tell me you love me, tell me you love me
Tell me you love me, tell me you love me
Tell me you love me, tell me you love me
Tell me you love me, tell me you love me
Tell me you love me, tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me, tell me you love me
Girl. .. Girl.. . Girl...
I love you so hard now,
I'm cryin' for you
Burnin'with fire,
I gotta hot desire
'Cause I gotta make love with you
'Cause I gotta make love with you
I gotta make love with you
'Cause I gotta make love with you
Tell me you love me, like I want you to
Tell me you love me, like I want you to
Tell me you love me, like I want you to

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Chunga's Revenge

Remember Freddie and Jo?
The night you went to the show?
(A monster movie);
Clutchin' at yer hand
(Wait ten seconds)
Clutchin' at yer arm
(Wait ten seconds)
Clutchin' at yer elbow-
(Wait ten seconds)
Where did your brassiere go?
When the monster came out,
'N everybody shout!
People all around you,
Screamin' at the monster;
The Monster From The U.S.O.

Who's this dude with his hair straight back?
His new white socks, 'n his pants all black;
His T-shirts rolled-
His watch is gold-
A '55 Chevy that his brother just stoled,
With his arm's around yer waist-
An' his hand is in yer pants-
An' he asks you for a date
To the servicemen's dance!

Suppose you don't wanna?
What can you do?
When a joker like that
Got his hands on you-
Oh, baby!
T-T-T-Tell me baby,
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.O.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.O.?
Lift up your dress, if the answer is "no" . . .

Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way?
Would you go all the way?

Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way?
Would you go all the way?
Would you go all the way?
Would you go all the way?

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Chunga's Revenge
Hi and howdy doody
I'm the union man
You can call me Rudy
Any of you boys not paid up on your cards? Huh?

You know I'm pleased to meet ya
Been tryin' all day to reach ya
The union's here to help everyone of you
Rock 'n Roll stars
Rock 'n Roll stars

You always know we care so much
About the way they treat ya
They say they got a lot of reasons every day . . .

Just to get
A chance to meet ya
To check and see
No wrong been done
That's one good reason
I carry a gun
I hope the bulge
Don't bum you out
Wanna get a good look?
Let me pull it right out!
Let me pull it right out!
Let me pull it right out!
Let me whip it right out!

Rudy!

Hi and howdy doody
I'm the union man
You can call me Rudy
Any of you boys not paid up on your cards?

You know I'm pleased to meet ya
Been tryin all day to reach ya
The union's here to help everyone of you
Rock 'n Roll stars
Ha ha ha ha!

Welcome to Chicago
Welcome to L.A.
Welcome to our local here
You'll always hear me say
The work is here; It's a couple a bucks
I'm sure you're glad to pay
Whip it out, here is your receipt
Now I'll go away
Now I'll go away
Now I'll go away
Now I'll go away
Away-ay-eh-eh-yeah
Away-ay-eh-eh-yeah
Away-ay-ay-eh-eh-yeah
Poo-aah . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Fillmore East, June 1971
[includes a quote from Daddy, Daddy, Daddy which includes a quote from Tell Me You Love Me]

And if his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

Howard:
Hold it! Please hold it!
My God, Madge . . . you voluptuous New York City slit . . .
Why didn't you tell me before?
It was so hard to tell with your little blousey-poo on, but . . .
Now that I see you . . . I would have helped . . .
I didn't know you were so obviously . . . PREGNANT . . .

I've got the thing you need
I am endowed beyond your wildest
Clearasil-spattered fantasies
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah . . .

Girls from all over the world
Flock to write my name on the toilet walls
Of the Whisky A-Go-Go
For I am Bwana Dik
I am Bwana Dik
Me Bwana Dik
Yo! Me Bwana Dik
Say!

My dick is a monster
Give me your heart

Chorus:
Bwana Dik is a legend
Enormous thou art

Howard:
My dick is a Harley
You kick it to start

Chorus:
Bwana Dik speaks
The heavens will part

Howard:
My dick is a dagger
I'll force it to fit
My dick is a reamer, baby
To scream up your slit

Chorus:
Steam it!
Ream it!
Cream it!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Chunga's Revenge
I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena,
Can't you see
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n urn
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

Ten long years I have been lovin' her
Ten long years
And I thought deep down in my heart
She was mine
Ten long years I been lovin' her
Ten long years
I would call her my baby, and now,
I'm always cryin'

I would be so delighted
I.would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Fillmore East, June 1971
Ooh!
La-la la-la-la la-ra-la-la la-la-la
La-la la-la-la la-ra-la-la la-laaaah!

Aynsley Dunbar!

Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya
Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya

Hoopla!
Oink! Oink!
La la la la . . .
Aah!

Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya
Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya
Ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya
La la-la la-la-la
La-la la-la-la-la la-la la-la
La-la la-la la-la-la-la la-la la-la . . . Mud Shark

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Fillmore East, June 1971
[includes a quote from Little House I Used To Live In]

FZ: That's right, you heard right, the Secret Word for tonight is Mud Shark! And of course with the Mud Shark Secret Word is the Mud Shark Arpeggio . . . a marvellous little arpeggio, and now the mating call of the adult male Mud Shark . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: THE MUD SHARK DANCING LESSON!

Mud Sh-sh-shark

Mark: Wait a minute . . . we're gonna do a little dancing . . . a little dancing thing called the Mud Shark . . . Now, this dance started up in Seattle
Howard: Yes . . .
Mark: The story . . .
FZ: Lemme tell you the story 'bout the Mud Shark . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Bring the band on down behind me, boys . . .
Howard: Say! Good God! Ain't it funky! Say!
FZ: The origins of the Mud Shark are as follows . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: There's a motel in Seattle, Washington, called the Edgewater Inn . . . The Edgewater Inn is built out on a pier . . . so that means that when you look out your window you don't see any dirt, it's . . . got a bay or something out in your backyard . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: And to make it even more interesting, in the lobby of the aforementioned motel there's a bait and tackle shop where the residents can go down and, whenever they want to, rent a fishing pole and some preserved minnows and schlep back up to their rooms, open the window, stick their little pole outside and within a few minutes actually catch a fish of some sort that they can bring into their motel room and do whatever they want with it, you know what I mean?

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Now in this bay there's quite a variety of . . . fish!

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Not only do they have mud sharks up there, they got little octopusses that you can catch

Fish!
Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: And all of these denizens of the deep can come in real handy . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Let's say you were a travelling Rock and Roll band called The Vanilla Fudge . . . let's say one night you checked into the Edgewater Inn with an 8mm movie camera . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Enough money to rent a pole, and just to make it more interesting . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: A succulent young lady!
Howard: Nooo!
FZ: With a taste for the bizarre . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: My mind drifts back . . . to a meeting, a chance meeting in the Chicago O'Hare Airport . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Where the members of The Vanilla Fudge told Don Preston about a home movie they made at the Edgewater Inn . . . with a mud shark!

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: And I'm gonna tell you, this dance, the Mud Shark, is sweeping the ocean!

Hey! Mud Sh-sh-shark

Mark: Ah, we're goin'! Go 'head! Ah, we're goin'! Now we're gonna go out, somehow! Come one!

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
(Now show 'em what they do with the Mud Shark!)
Out
You go out
(Now show 'em what they do with the Mud Shark!)
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Hey!
Out
You go out
(Catch the Mud Shark)
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Fillmore East, June 1971
[includes a quote from Also sprach Zarathustra (Strauss)]

Mud Shark
Mud Shark

You can hear the steam, baby
You can hear the screamin' steam right now
As the reamer steams up the lake
Reenie weenie up to the snake

Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids baby
Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids baby

Steam roller
(Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids baby)
Steam roller
Steam roller
(I'm talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids baby)
Steam roller
Not now girl

Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids baby
Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids baby

I need somebody to . . .
Help me
Help me
Help me
Help me
Help me
Help me
Help me

Hear the steam
See the steam
Hear the steam
Hear the screaming hot black steaming
Iridescent naugahyde python's gleaming
Steam roller

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Fillmore East, June 1971
[includes part of Latex Solar Beef]

Mud Shark

All groupies must bow down
In the sacred presence of the Latex Solar Beef
All groupies must bow down
In the sacred presence of the Latex Solar Beef

Steam roller
(Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids baby),
Steam roller
Steam roller
(Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids mama),
Steam roller
(Gooey piles, baby!)

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Fillmore East, June 1971
(Garry Bonner & Alan Gordon)

Howard: Say!

Imagine me and you,
I do,
I think about you day and night
It's only right,
To think about the girl you love
And hold her tight,
So happy together

If I should call you up,
(Call you up)
Invest a dime
And you say you belong to me,
(Ease my mind)
And ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be,
(Very fine)
So very fine,
So happy together

Mark: Just like a big rock show, if you wanna sing along . . .

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you for all my life
When you're with me, baby,
The skies will be blue for all my life

Mark: Everybody sing along like a big rock show, come on!

Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa

Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa

One more time!

Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa

FZ: We'd like to thank you very much for comin' to our concert tonight . . . I know that ah . . . uh-hum . . . in a way it's sad that Bill Graham is closin' down the Fillmore, but ah . . . I'm sure he'll get into somethin' better . . . It's been lovely, workin' for you this evenin' . . . good night . . .

Good night . . .
(Good night, good night . . . )
Good night, boys and girls!
(Good night, good night . . . )
Good night, good night, boys and girls!
Good . . . night . . .
Good night, boys and girls!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Fillmore East, June 1971
[includes a quote from Gone With The Wind (Max Steiner)]

Wow!
Tears began to fall,
The writings on the wall
You say there's nothing I can say
She took the car and drove away
And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
That's when the tears began to fall
'Cause I ain't got no love at all

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down the shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
And tears began to fall
Tears began to fall and fall and fall
And tears began to fall

Ay ay ay aaaah . . .
Ay ay ay aaaah . . .
Ay-ay ay ay-ay aaaah . . .
Ay-ay ay ay-ay aaaah . . .

And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Now!
Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down the shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah
Tears began to fall
(Tears began to fall)
Tears began to fall
Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah
Tears began to fall
(Tears began to fall)
Tears began to fall
Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah
Tears began to fall
(Tears began to fall again)
Tears began to fall
Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah
Tears began to fall
(Tears began to fall)
Tears began to fall
Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-waaah . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
Ow! Look out!
Ow! Look out!
Ow! Look out!

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach be arrivin' soon
Ya-ooo Ya-ooo Ya-ooo Ya-ooo

That mystery roach be approachin'
That mystery roach be approachin' me
La La La La La La La, Oof!

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach been gone
Ya-ooo-ooo-oo-ooo
Ya-ooo-ooo-oo-ooo

That mystery roach be approachin'
That mystery roach be approachin' me
La La La La La La La, Oof!
That mystery roach be approachin'
That mystery roach be approachin' me
La La La La La La La, Oof!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!

. . . once in a minute . . .

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!

Howard:
Ah! Hold it!
Wait a minute!
Stop that music!
Please . . .
Hold it!
Wait a minute!
Ah . . .
What are we SINGING about?
A mystery roach?
We must be . . . FLIPPING OUT!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
[FZ rhythm guitar
Tommy Mars keyboards
Arthur Barrow bass
Chad Wackerman drums]

Thing-Fish:

Once upon a time, musta been 'round October, few years back, in one o' dose TOP SECRET LABMO-TORIES de gubbnint keep stashed away underneath Virginia, an EVIL PRINCE, occasion'ly employed as a part-time THEATRICAL CRITICIZER set to woikin' on a plot fo de systematic GENOCIDICAL REMOVE'LANCE of all unwanted highly-rhythmic individj'lls an' sissy-boys!

De cocksucker done whiffed up a secret POTIUM . . . an' right 'long wid it, de ATROCIOUS IDEA dat what he been boilin' up down deahhhh jes' mights be de FINAL SOLUTIUM to DE WHITE MAIN'S 'BOIDENNN', ef yo' acquire my drift . . .

Well, he were sure he had a GOOD THING GOIN' . . . but, dere was always de possobility dat somethin' might fuck up, so, he planned to have a little test, jes' to check it all out befo' he dump't it in de wattuh supply.

Sho'tly denafter, wit HIGH-LEVEL GUBNINT COROBBERATIUM, he arranged to have a good-will visit to SAN QUENTIM, 'long wit some country-westin mu-zishnin's, 'n sprinkle a little bit of it on some of de boys in deahhh (since dey done used a few of 'em befo' when dey was messin' wit de ZYPH'LISS).

So, heah dey come wit de POTIUM, dump'nit all in de mash potatoes!

Den dey wen' up to de warden's office fo' some HOT TODDY, watchin' a little football while dey's waitin' to see what gone happen!

Fact o' de matter were: NOTHIN' HAPPENED, so dey went off'n dribbled it in a special shipnint of GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH dat went out 'bouts NOVEMBER!

Next thing y'know, fagnits be droppin' off like flies . . . 'long wit a large number of severely-tanned individj'lls, pre-zumnably of HAY'CHEN EXTRAKMENT!

But NOT DE BOYS IN DE REST HOME! Oh no! Mixin' de shit wit de mash potatoes done SMOOTHED IT OUT a little, so's it wouldn't KILL yo' ass, BUT, it sho' would make y'ugly! 'N ef y'was already UGLY, it'd make yo ass MEAN 'n UGLY . . . 'n ef you was already MEAN 'n UGLY, it'd turn ya into a strange, UNKNOWN KREETCHUH, never befo' seen on BROADWAY!

Thass right! It'd turn ya' into a 'MAMMY NUN'! Head like a potato . . . lips like a duck . . . big ol' hands, puffin' up! BIG ONES! Science! ME-jev'l re-LIJ-mus costumery all over yo' BODY! Yow! Oh yeah! Mmmm-hmmm!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
This town
This town
Is a Sealed Tuna Sandwich
Sealed Tuna Sandwich
With the wrapper glued
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for 40 cents a whack
It's just a place for us to play
To help us pay
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.

All the people in the Sandwich Town
Think the place is great
What if part of it's crumbling down?
Most of them prob'ly won't be 'round . . .

They'll either be dead
Or moved to San Francisco
(Where everybody thinks they're Heavy Business . . .
But it's just a Tuna Sandwich from another catering service . . .)

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
This town
This town
Is a Sealed Tuna Sandwich
Sealed Tuna Sandwich
With the wrapper glued
(WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED!)
It's by baloney on the rack
Rant-tant-tant
Tant-tant-tant
Tant-tant-tant
It goes for 40 cents a whack
It's just a rancid little snack
In a plastic bag
From a matron in La Habre with a blown-out crack
WHO DIES TO SUCK THE FRINGE OFF OF JIMMY CARL BLACK!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
My name is Burtram
I am a redneck
All my friends,
They call me 'Burt'
(Hi, Burt!)
All my family,
From down in Texas
Make their livin'
Diggin' dirt

Come out here to Californy,
Just to find me
Some pretty girls
Ones I seen
Gets me so horny;
Ruby lips,
'N teeth like pearls!

Wanna love 'em all!
Wanna love 'em dearly!
Wanna pretty girl-
I'll even pay!
I'll buy 'em furs!
I'll buy 'em jewelry!
I know they like me;
Here's what I say:

I'm lonesome Cowboy Burt!
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance,
On this here waitress . . .
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-hey
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!

(He's lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt)
Come on in this place,
'N I'll buy you a taste,
You can sit on my face-
Where's my waitress?

Burtram, Burtram redneck
Burtram, Burtram redneck

I'm an awful nice guy!
Sweat all day in the sun!
Roofer by trade,
Quite a bundle I've made,
I'm unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun!
(He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun!)

When I get off, I get plastered
Drink till I fall onna floor,
Find me some Communist bastard,
'N stomp on his face till he don't
Move no more!
(He stomps on his face till he don't
Move no more!)

I fuss, an' I cuss an' I keep on drinkin',
Till my eyes puff up an' turn red!
I drool on m'shirt,
I see if he's hurt,
Kick him again in the head, yes!
Kick him again in the head, boys!
Kick him again in the head, now!
KICK HIM AGAIN IN THE HEAD!

Lonesome Cowboy Burt!
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance,
On this here waitress . . .
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-yeh
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!

(HE'S LONESOME COWBOY BURT,
A-don'tcha get his feelin's hurt)
Yeah . . . but come on in this place,
An' I'll buy you a taste,
'N you can sit on my face-
Where's my waitress?
OPAL, YOU HOT LITTLE BITCH!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
JCB: Hey, who are these dudes? Are you a boy, or a girl?

HA HA HA HA . . . HA HA

JCB: What the fuck was that? I wonder if that son of a bitch can play something I might even like!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Ha

JCB: Hey twerp, play me something I can enjoy!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
Centerville
A real nice place to raise your kids up
Centerville
It's really neat!

Churches
Churches
And liquor stores

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The STARE!
The STARE!

(The 'secret stare' she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear)

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!
(Ah-hoo-ah-hoo-wah-hoo-wahhhh)
Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour!
She finishes her call;
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats!
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots;
Brushes her teeth;
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat . . .
(It's getting her, getting her
Hot-Oh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh)
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off,
A sad but typical case, yeah
Last dude to do her
Got in and got soft;
She blew it,
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in!
(She dances, she prances, she dances, she prances
She prances, she prances, she . . . )
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups,
(Yeah-yeah-yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there;
Twenty or thirty at times there have been-
Somewhat desirable boys there-
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair-
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there;
Twenty or thirty at times there have been-
Somewhat desirable boys there-
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair-
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
[includes a quote from Tell Me You Love Me]

Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off
(Yeah)
She got diamonds and jewelry
She got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' nobody
So that everyone knows
That she knows what she wants

Knows what she likes
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out . . . she's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
(La la la la la)
She drove to the club
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
You know that her and her partner
(La la la la la)
Came here lookin' for love
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
They want a guy from a group
(La la la la la)
Who's got a thing in a charts
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
They will give him their hearts

'Cause they know what they want
([...] they know about it)
And they know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out . . . they got their eyes on you

FAM-BAM-YAK-A-TA-TAHHH!

They know what they want
They know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Awright, you got 'em screamin' all night
(La la la la la)
Screamin' all night

Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
It's a hip thing!
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
[...]
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
It's a Chevy!
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
You're a big gun!
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
['Cause they're dancin'!]
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
Bad Conscience: Han min noon toon han toon han
Good Conscience: No, Jeff!
Bad Conscience: Han toon ran toon ran toon fran min han toon ran toon nan toon fram
Good Conscience: No no no!
Jeff: Man! This stuff is great! It's just as if Donovan himself had appeared on my very own TV with words of peace, love, and eternal cosmic wisdom . . . ! Leading me. Guiding me. On paths of everlasting pseudo-karmic negligence, in the very midst of my drug-induced nocturnal emission.
Good Conscience: Oh, I am your good conscience, Jeff. I know all. I see all. I am a cosmic love pulse matrix, become a technicolor interpositive!
Jeff: Okay . . . Where'd you buy that incense? It's hip.
Good Conscience: It's the same and mysterious exotic oriental fragrance as what the Beatles get off on.
Jeff: I thought I recognized it . . . Sniff, sniff . . . Mmm, what is that, MUSK? Sniff, sniff, sniff . . . mmmh!
Good Conscience: Jeff, I know what's good for you.
Jeff: Right. You're heavy.
Good Conscience: Yes, Jeff, I am your guiding light. Listen to me. Don't rip off the towels, Jeff!
Bad Conscience: Piss off, you little nitwit!
Jeff: Hey man, what's the deal?
Good Conscience: Don't listen to him, Jeff, he's no good. He'll make you do BAD THINGS!
Jeff: You mean, he'll make me sin?
Good Conscience: Yes, Jeff. SIN!
Jeff: Wow!
Bad Conscience: Jeff, I'd like to have a word with you . . . about your soul.
Good Conscience: No, don't listen, Jeff.
Bad Conscience: Why are you wasting your life, night after night playing this comedy music?
Jeff: You're right, I'm too heavy to be in this group.
Good Conscience: Comedy music . . .
Bad Conscience: Jeff, YOUR SOUL!

Oh . . .
He's
Too heavy to
Be . . .

Jeff: In this group, all I ever get to do is play Zappa's comedy music. HE EATS!
Good Conscience: Jeff!
Jeff: I get so tense!
Bad Conscience: Of course you do, my boy.
Jeff: The stuff he makes me do is always off the wall!
Bad Conscience: That's why it would be best to leave his stern employ.
Jeff: And quit the group!
Bad Conscience: You'll make it big!
Jeff: That's right.
Bad Conscience: Of course!
Jeff: And then I won't be SMALL!

Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ti-diddly-diddly-dee
Ha, ha, ha . . .
He-he-he-he-heh!

Jeff: Cough, cough. Ahmet Ertegun used this towel as a bathmat six weeks ago at a rancid motel in Orlando, Florida, with the highest MILDEW rating of any commercial lodging facility within the territorial limits of the United States, naturally excluding tropical possessions . . . It's still damp. What an aroma! This is the best I ever got off! What can I say about this elixir? Try it on steaks! Cleans nylons! Small craft warnings! It's made for the home! The office! On fruits!
Bad Conscience: This is the real you, Jeff. Rip off a few more ashtrays. Get rid of some of that inner tension. Quit the comedy group! Get your own group together. Heavy! Like GRAND FUNK! Or BLACK SABBATH . . .
Good Conscience: No, Jeff . . .
Jeff: Like COVEN!
Good Conscience: Peace . . . Love . . .
Bad Conscience: Bollocks!
Jeff: What can I say about this elixir?

Mark: Jeff has gone out there on that stuff!
Bad Conscience: He should have never have used the elixir and only stuck to the incense. Oh, Atlantis . . .
Mark: That was BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, dressed up like Donovan, fading out on the wall-mounted TV screen. Jeff IS flipping out. Road fatigue! We've got to get him back to normal before Zappa finds out, and steals it, and makes him do it in the movie!
Bad Conscience: You have a brilliant career ahead of you, my boy, Just GET OUT OF THIS GROUP!
Mark: Howard, that was Studebacher Hoch, dressed up like Jim Pons, giving career guidance to the bass player of a rock-oriented comedy group. Jeff's imagination has gone beyond the fringe of audience comprehension. Jeff, Jeff, it's me, the Phlorescent Leech!
Howard: Jeff, Jeff, it's me, Eddie!

WOWWWW!
WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR!

Mark: (right channel) Put it on your steaks, uh, send it overseas, [...] ground, and put it on you surfboard so you won't slip off. Try it on your [Jim Bean Boy], and on the, the red balloons, you can blow up all balloons with it. Put it on your . . . heh . . . on . . . on your pizza. Put it on your shoes, tie your mic with it, and fill up your tires with it.

Howard: (center) Use it to clean your swimming pool, sell it to your mother and tell her it's a Rit tie-dye kit, you won't even believe what'll happen when you starch your shirt with it, ironing goes easier and your car windows never looked better in your whole life. Ladies and gentlemen, you can inhale it, and it makes your voice three keys higher, and you can't even stand what happens when you put it on your hair, as hair tonic. Heh, heh. And if you ever tried it as a . . .

Jim Pons: (left channel) Soak your shirts in it, soak your teeth in it. Let it play the piano. Follow it around the block. Wear it instead of jeans. Bathe your puppies with it. Feed it to your ducks. Use it instead of chlorine in your swimming pool. Breathe it. Love it.

What?
WOWWWWWW!
What can I?
WOWWWWWW!
What?
What can I say about this?
WOWWWWWW!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
Penis dimension
Penis dimension
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?

No!

Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan . . .
That the size of your cock is not monstruous enough?

It's your penis dimension!
Penis dimension!

Howard:
Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah
Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah

Mark: Hiya friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possiblity that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of sub-conscious tension? Weird, twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician! A policeman! A jesuit monk
Howard?: [...]
Mark: A rock and roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone BEEF-UP, may become writers of hot books
Howard: "Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim."
Mark: Yes, or they become Carmelite nuns!
Howard: "Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit." Ha ha ha!
Mark: Ooh, or racehorse jockeys. There is no reason why you, or your loved one should suffer. Things are bad enough, without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the TROUBLES OF THE WORLD!
Howard: Right on, right on!
Mark: Now, if your a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school:
Mark & Howard: ANYTHING OVER A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED! YES!
Mark: And isn't it the truth? And if you're a guy, and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool, I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear, you're being so cool, and somebody hits on you one night, and he looks you up and down and he says, uh . . .
Howard: Eight inches or less?
Mark: Well let me tell you, brothers, that's the time when you got to turn around and look that sonofabitch right between the eyes, and you got to tell him these words:

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning

What will I say
The next day to whatever
I drag to my hotel tonight?
(If things go right!)

What will I say
The next day to whatever
I drag to my hotel tonight?
(Will she be outa-site?)

What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
A succulent fat one
A mod little flat one
Maybe a hot one (to give me the clap!)
Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
If things go right!
(If things go right!)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
Will she be outa-site?
(Will she be outa-site?)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
If things go right!
(If things go right!)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
Will she be outa-site?
(Will she be outa-site?)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
If things go right!
(If things go right!)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
Will she be outa-site?
(Will she be outa-site?)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
If things go right!
(If things go right!)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
Will she be outa-site?
(Will she be outa-site?)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
If things go right!
(If things go right!)

What will I say the next day . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
Why don't you strap on this here bunch
Of cardboard boxes, daddy-o?
Joy of my desiring
You'll certainly look suave and get me hot
Hot, hot, get me hot and
Horny
(Ow!)
If there's one thing I really get off on
(Yay!)
It's a nun suit painted on some old boxes
Some old melodies
4/4
An aura
An areola
Pink gums
Stumpy gray teeth
Dental floss
Gets me hot
Wanna watch a dental hygiene movie

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
Ooh, the way you love me, lady,
I get so hard now I could die
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar,
I get so hard now I could die

Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes

Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size

Mark:
Oh, do you really wanna please me?

Howard:
You know I do, baby

Mark:
Well, tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

Howard:
Oh, no, no, I wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Or I pack up and go!

Howard:
Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Mark:
You better tell me right away,
Don't you treat me cold

Howard:
HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT!
Well, there are a lot of reasons why I'd . . . I'd drag a girl such as yourself back to this . . . plastic hotel room and . . . rip you off for spare change to run a . . . to run a vibrating machine attached to this queen-size, bulk-purchase, kapok-infested, do-not-remove-tag-under-penalty-of-law type bed and . . . and make you take off all your little clothes . . . until you are nearly STARK RAVING NUDE! (Save for your chrome-with-heavy-duty-leather-thong Peace Medallion, heh . . . ) And make you assume a series of marginally erotic poses involving . . . a plastic chair and . . . an old guitar strap while I . . . did a wee-wee in your hair and . . . beat you with a pair of tennis shoes . . . I got from Jeff Beck

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
Dew
On the newts we got
Newt money dew
It's a payment on the rental for the dewy little
Newts we got
We got 'em dewy
Left 'em in the yard all night
Hope they didn't get uptight
The little vixens
The saucy little vixens
I hope they didn't get pissed off
I hope
That they did not
Did not
I hope
That they did not
Dash off
Into the night

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
The lad searches the night for his newts

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
Male Tenor:
The girl wants to fix him some broth.

Female Soprano:
Tinselcock!

Chorus:
Doo-wee-oo
Tinselcock, my baby

Female Soprano:
Would you like some broth?

Male Tenor:
Some nice soup

Female Soprano:
Some hot broth?

Male Tenor:
Small dogs in it

Female Soprano:
Yooooouuuu . . . Do you?

Male Tenor:
You like broth?
Dog broth?

Female Soprano:
Hot broth?

Male Tenor:
You like dog broth hot?

Female Soprano:
Hot dogs debris

Male Tenor:
How do you like it?
Debris of the four styles offered
Debris broth breath
And the ever popular hygienic
European version
Tinselcock!

Chorus:
Tinselcock!

Male Tenor:
Which do you choose?

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
Theodore Bikel:
This, as you might have guessed, is the end of the movie. The entire cast is assembled here at the Centerville Recreational Facility to bid farewell to you, and to express thanks for your attendance at this theater. This might seem old fashioned to some of you, but I'd like to join in on this song. It's the kind of a sentimental song that you get at the end of a movie, it's the kind of a song that people might sing to let you in the audience know that we really like you and care about you, yeah . . . Understand how hard it is to laugh these days, with all the terrible problems in the world!

Lord, have mercy on the people in England
For the terrible food these people must eat
(Errrr . . . excuse me)
And may the Lord have mercy on the fate of this movie
And God bless the mind of the man in the street

Help all the rednecks and the flatfoot policemen
Through the terrible functions they all must perform
God help the winos, the junkies, and the weirdos
And every poor soul who's adrift in the storm.

Help everybody, so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
A room and a meal
And a garbage disposal
A lawn and a hose'll
Be strictly genteel

Reach out your hand to the girl in the dog book
The girl in the pig book, and the one with the horse
Make sure they keep all those businessmen happy
And the purple-lipped censors and the Germans of course

Help everybody, so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction

A Swedish apparatus
With a hood and a bludgeon
With a microwave oven
"Honey, how do it feel?"

Lord, have mercy on the hippies and faggots
And the dykes and the weird little children they grow

Help the black man
Help the poor man
Help the milk man
Help the door man
Help the lonely, neglected old farts that I know

Theodore Bikel:
It's been swell havin' you with us tonight, folks!

Mark:
But, don't leave the theater yet, 'cause there's still more to come, but before we go on, I want to introduce to you my friend and musical associate, Howard Kaylan, who's going to give us all a final closing benediction

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : 200 Motels
They're gonna clear out the studio
They're gonna tear down all the . . .
They're gonna whip down all the . . .
They're gonna sweep out all the . . .
They're gonna pay off all the . . .
(Oh, yeah!)

And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .

Hey hey hey, everybody in the orchestra and the chorus
Talkin' 'bout every one of our lovely and talented dancers
Talkin' 'bout the light bulb men
Camera men
The make-up men
(The fake-up men)
Yeah, the rake-up men
(Especially Herbie Cohen, yeah . . .)
They're all gonna rise up
They're gonna jump up
I said jump up
Talkin' 'bout jump right up and off the floor
Jump right up and hit the door
They're all gonna rise up and jump off!
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
And once again
Take themselves
Seriously, yeeeah!
Two, three, four, seriously
They're all gonna go home (ye-hey!)
Through the driving sleet and rain
They're all gonna go home
Through the fog, through the dust
Through the tropical fever and the blistering frost
They're all gonna go home
And get out of it as they can be, baby
And the same goes for me
(The same goes for me)
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!

And each and every member of this rock oriented comedy group in his own special way
Is gonna get out of it as he can be
We all gonna get wasted
We all gonna get twisted
We all gonna get wasted
We all gonna get twisted
And I am definitely gonna get . . .
REAMED
'Cause I'm such a lonely
I'm such a lonely
A lonely, lonely, talkin' 'bout a lonely guy!
Oh, and I know tonight, I am definitely . . .
I am positively . . .
I just have to get . . .
BENT, REAMED AND WASTED

JCB: A disaster area the size of Atlantic City, New Jersey!

Howard: He's making me do this, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn't do it if it weren't for him. You noticed, all through this material, I've been glancing over toward my left? Well, I'll tell you the reason for that, ladies and gentlemen. HE is over there. HE is over on the left. HE is the guy that is making me do all this shit. Right over there. Now all through this movie, every time we've been on stage, I've had to look over in that direction, right? You saw it . . . you know. Well that's 'cause HE's over there. I've got to watch him for signs. He jumps up and down like a jackass. I can't even believe the guy sometimes. But we gotta watch him. "After all," we said, "it's Frank's movie." Now, we're THE MOTHERS, but it's still Frank's movie. Let's say it, he got to paid for it, he rented the studio, had all these cheesy sets built . . . it's so moche! I can't even stand it . . . He's telling everybody, right now, right over there, to . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Just Another Band From L.A.
[includes quotes from Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1 in D major (Edward Elgar), Johnny's Theme (Paul Anka), Off We Go Into The Wild Blue Yonder (Crawford), O Mein Papa (Paul Burkhard), Over The Rainbow (Harburg/Arlen), Star-Spangled Banner (Smith/Key), Suite: Judy Blue Eyes (Stephen Stills)]

One, two, three . . .

BILLY the Mountain
BILLY the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife ETHELL,
A tree!
A tree!

BILLY was a mountain
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

BILLY was a mountain
(BILLY was a mountain!)
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
(ETHELL was a tree growing off of his shoulder)
(hey, hey hey!)

Billy had two big
Caves for eyes,
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down,
And whenever it did,
He'd puff out some dust,
And hack up a boulder
(HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK! HACK!)
Up a boulder

Now, one day, now I believe it was on a Tuesday, a man in a checkered double-knit suit drove up in a large El Dorado Cadillac, leased from BOB SPREEN . . .

("Where the freeways meet in Downey!")

. . . And he laid a HUGE, BULGING ENVELOPE right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, that was right where his 'foot' was supposed to be.

Now, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for ALL OF THOSE YEARS, and finally, now, AT LAST, his Royalties!

Royalties!
Royalties . . .
Royalties!
Royalty check is in, honey!

Yes, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! Yes, and his eyeball-caves, they widened in amazement, and his jaw (which was a cliff), well it dropped thirty feet!

A bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders hacked up, (hack! hack!) crushing 'The LINCOLN'!

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It TOTALLED my car!

Oh, do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for THE VALLEY?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar!

By two o'clock, when the bars are already closed down, BILLY had broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHELL. And with dust and boulders everywhere, BILLY, choked with excitement, announced . . .

"ETHELL, we're going on a VACATION!"

Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHELL, ETHELL, ETHELL, like every little woman, she of course was very excited! She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her.) BILLY told ETHELL they were going to . . . Yes! They were going to NEW YORK!

"ETHELL, we're going to . . . New York!"

But first they were gonna stop in LAS VEGAS . . .

It's off to LAS VEGAS
to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles,
And drink a few beers,
(Oh, ETHELL!)

ETHELL, my darling,
you know that I love you!
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
(Oh, NEET-O!)

Glad we could have a
Vacation this year!

They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . . their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds (POO-AAH!)

"ETHELL, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?"

(Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!)

"Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CLAMS?"

The first noteworhty piece of real estate they destroyed was EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . . .

And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF . . . (We have ignition!) . . . got LUNCHED! I said LUNCHED! (Lunched!) By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN-IN and his SMALL, WOODEN WIFE.

"Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links THIS MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley SMUT RING! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN, in Torrance, Hawthorne, Lomita, Westchester, Playa Del Rey, Santa Monica, Tujunga, Sunland, San Fernando, Pacoima, Sylmar, Newhall, Canoga Park, Palmdale, Glendale, Irwindale, Rolling Hills, Granada Hills, Shadow Hills,Cheviot Hills, will provide the SECRET EVIDENCE the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a CRIMINAL INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER LEGISLATION, increased FEDERAL AID, and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of Bartenders and Veterinarians throughout the INLAND EMPIRE . . . "

WITHIN THE WEEK, Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon ("Wah wah wah, nice lady!") to raise funds for the injured (injured . . . ) and homeless (homeless . . . ) in Glendale, as BILLY had just levelled it, and, a few miles right outside of town, BILLY caused a 'Oh Mein Papa' in the Earth's crust, right over the SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS (right near the 'Jack-In-The-Box' on Glenoaks) where they keep the POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS, and OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS, just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . . .

Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch ( "Toto . . . !") just playing ( "Come on, Toto . . . !") and having a nice time with his little accordion ("Toto . . . !"), and this weird wind came up ("Toto . . . !"), direct from Glendale ("Toto . . . ! Toto . . . !"), blowing these terrible germs in his direction ("Come here, Toto . . . !"), and all of this caused ("Toto . . . !") by a huge mountain ("Aunty Em!")!

"Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly . . . "

. . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of WATTS!!!

Now, unless I misunderstood, it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio when BILLY received his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION PHYSICAL. Now, lemme tell ya, ETHELL said, now ETHELL, ETHELL said she wasn't gonna let him go!

"I'm not gonna let you go, BILLY!"

"THAT'S RIGHT! We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED ORANGE COUNTY MINISTER, that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE COMMUNIST, and it is This Reporter's Opinion that she also practices (COVEN!) WITCH-CRAFT!"

It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA HERSELF'! (And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not Chief Reddin) This one MAN was STUDEBAKER HOCH, fantastic new SUPER HERO of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP.

(Oh) Now, some folks say he looked like (he was like, he was like) ZUBIN MEHTA (Zubin Mehta); still others say (others say he), bullshit, honey (bullshit, man) he's just another greasy guy who happened to be born next to the Frozen Beef Pies at BONEY'S MARKET. (Others say he was just a, just a) Still others say, John, piss on you, Jack! (crazy Italian) He's just a crazy Italian who drove a RED CAR. You see (nobody knows for sure 'cause he was so), nobody ever really knew for sure, because STUDEBAKER was so-o-o-o-o-o mysterious (mysterious) . . .

HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!

HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!

'Cuz when a person gets to be
Such a HERO, folks,
And MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE,
You can never REALLY TELL
About a GUY LIKE THAT
(Whether he's really a NICE PERSON
Or if he just SMILES A LOT),
(What?)
Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO',
Or what?

Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' or what?

Some men say he could FLY
Some men say he could SWIM
Others say he could SING (like NEIL SEDAKA),
And all the girls in FLUSHING
Would be AMAZED of HIM
(Two, Three!)
AMAZED of HIM!
(Amazed!)
(Amazed!)

Time passes . . .
January, February, March, July . . .
Wednesday . . .
August . . .
Irwindale . . .
. . . 2:30 in the afternoon, Sunday, Monday . . .
Funny Cars!
Walnut!
Friday
City of Industry . . .
Big John Mazmanian!

So when the phone rang
In the secret briefcase,
A strong masculine hand
With a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch
And flexy bracelet
GRABBED IT
And answered
In a deep, calmly assured voice:

"So . . . ah . . . yeah, yeah, hello already . . . what? . . . Well, yeah? . . . Ah, are you kidding . . . ? You're not kidding . . . a mountain . . . ? With a tree growing off of its shoulder . . . ? Aw, you're fulla shit, man . . . ah, listen, by the way, before I go on; did you get those white albums I sent ya with the pencil on the front . . . ? Yeah . . . ? Yeah, you should move some of those for me, we're having a lot of . . . listen, so kiss little Jakee on the head . . . and, ah, how's your wife's hemorrhoids? Oh, that's too bad . . . Listen . . . so you've got a mountain, with a tree, listen, causing . . . oh, my! Well, let me write this down . . . sorta take a few notes here . . . yeah . . . ? To El Segundo, huh? Causing UNTOLD DESTRUCTION? (my baby, my baby) Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? An expense account? And per diem, too?"

SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE!

They said he could DANCE, and, of course, THEY were right! Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it: THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING LESSON & COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE featuring Aynsley Dunbar, hit it!

Hey! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly!
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . . Hey!

RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE LEFT SHOULDER
TO THE HEART-Uh

Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . .

NOBODY can DANCE like STUDEBAKER HOCH! So many rumors have spread about STUDEBAKER HOCH! (A rumor . . . a rumor . . . ) Consider this rumor (a rumor . . . ), which was published (a rumor . . . ) about three weeks ago in ROLLING STONE!

Oh, it's gotta be true!

STUDEBAKER HOCH can write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a pin!

"NO!"

Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO DO DO!
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO!
etc.

(I'm so HIP!)

BEEF PIES!

He was born next to the BEEF PIES,
Underneath JONI MITCHELL'S autographed picture,
Right beside ELLIOT ROBERTS' big Bank Book,
Next to the boat
Where CROSBY flushed away all his stash
And the cops
Got him in the boat and drove away
To THE CAN
Where Neil Young slipped another disc

FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!

(And that was the main influence on HIM!)

The influence of a Frozen Beef Pie!

Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife (who ran a modeling school), WHEREUPON HE . . . yes, HE ran around the back of 'THE BROADWAY' at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine to see if he could find himself some big large, un-used cardboard boxes (no shit!)

After which, he hit up the RALPH'S on Sunset for some 'AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP', some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', and a pair of blunt scissors! Hey-hey!

Yes! Yes, and in the parking lot of RALPH'S, where "no prizes are lower prizes than RALPH'S," in the parking lot of RALPH'S (in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking), he cut out some really, really, really NICE WINGS, and he covered them thoroughly with foil!

Thorough-LY wi-TH (e-e-e-e-e) FOIL-L-L!

Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . . .

YES!! Yes! And then he SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! And he pulled down his blue denim policeman type trouser pants, and he spread even amounts of AUNT JEMIMA maple syrup all over the inside of his legs!

Soon the booth was filling with flies!

(Help me, help me, help me!)

He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in (Yes! Yeah!), and when each and every one of those little cocksuckin' flies had gone into his pants, and they were lapping up all that maple syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said in a very clear, impressive, RON HUBBARD-type voice . . .

"NEW YORK!"

. . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky!

STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!

STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!

He's coating his legs
With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down!

His shorts'll be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around!

Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He's really outa sight!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He does it every night!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He treats the flies all right
STOODLA-BAKER HOCH
That's why they never bite, hey!

(Please to New York!
Fly to New York!)

He could be a DOG
Or a FROG
Or a LESBIAN QUEEN!

(Fly to New York!)

He could be a NARK
Or a LADY MARINE!

Or he might play dirty!
He's OVER THIRTY!
(Getting old? Say! I don't know!)

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on

And speaking of mountains, we'll join STUDEBAKER HOCH on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth. Take it away:

"Ah . . . ya, ya, ya, hey-ah BILLY, ah, listen . . . I've come to REASON with you! Our GREAT COUNTRY needs you in the Armed Forces! Your NUMBER came up . . . you can't go on running like this forever."

Oh! But ETHELL just shook her twigs angrily, but STUDEBAKER HOCH, calm, cool, collected, and UN-ferturbed, continued . . .

"Ya, well listen, you (cough cough) . . . listen, you COMMUNIST SON-OF-A-BITCH! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for FILL DIRT in some impending New Jersey MARSH RECLAMATION . . . and your girl-friend there will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards (or a DOG HOUSE) . . . get the (cough, cough), GET THE PICTURE?"

Yeah, well, BILLY just laughed:

"HO, HO, HO! If they think they're gonna draft ME, they're CRAZY!"

Unfortunately, because STUDEBAKER HOCH was standing on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth when the giant mountain laughed, STUDEBAKER HOCH lost his footing and fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!

"Aaahhhhh . . . oh fuck, I'm gonna need a TRUSS . . . "

Oh, listen, that only goes to show you, and it'll show you once again that . . .

A Mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)

Don't fuck with BILLY (No!)
And don't fuck with ETHELL
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)

DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!

With

Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly

BIDDILLY
THE
MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN!

(Eddie, are you kidding?)

Eddie, are you kidding?

FZ: Oh, I forgot to mention this is where we take our intermission, we'll see you in a few minutes . . .
(Thank you!)
FZ: We'll be back!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Just Another Band From L.A.
Cheesy, cheesy!

(This is a song about vegetables . . . they keep you regular; they're real good for ya.)

Call any vegetable
(Call any vegetable)
Call it by name
(Call any vegetable)
Call one today
(Call any vegetable)
When you get off the train
(Call any vegetable)
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Ooooh! The vegetable
Will respond to you

(Some people don't go for prunes . . . I dunno . . . I've always found that if they . . . )

Call any vegetable
(Call any vegetable)
Pick up your phone
(Call any vegetable)
Think of a vegetable
(Call any vegetable)
Lonely at home
(Call any vegetable)
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
That a vegetable will respond to you-hoooo

RUTA-BAY-AY-AYGA RUTA-BAY-AY-AYGA
RUTA-BAY-AY-AYGA RUTA-BAY-AY-AYGA
RUTA-BAYYYYY . . .

(A prune isn't really a vegetable. Cabbage is a vegetable.)

No one will know
If you don't want to let 'em know
No one will know
'Less it's you that might tell 'em so
Call and they'll come to you
Covered with dew
Vegetables dream
Of responding to you
Standing there
Shiny & proud by your side
Holding your hand
While the neighbors decide
Why is a vegetable
Something to hide?
YAR-R-R-R-R-G-H!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Just Another Band From L.A.
(Kaylan/Zappa)

[includes a quote from Violin Concerto in D (Stravinsky)]

Hey!
Ha!
Ooh!

There was a man
A little ole man
Who lived in Montreal
With a wife and a kid
And a car and a house
And a teenage daughter
With a see-thru blouse
Who loved to grunt and ball-
And her name was Magdalena

Magdalena . . .

The little ole man
Came home one night
To his house in Montreal.
He caught his daughter
In the blouse by the light
And he said to himself:
"She looks all right!"
And he reached for a tit
And grabbed it tight
And threw her up
Against the wall
(BLUE CROSS!)
Magdalena . . .

My daughter dear,
Do not be concerned when your
Canadian daddy comes near.
My daughter dear
Do not be concerned when your
Canadian daddy comes near.
I work so hard,
Don't you understand,
Making maple syrup
For the pancakes of our land.
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?

The little ole man
With the grubby little hand
Who lived in Montreal
Was drooling a bit
As he reached for her tit
And he said to himself:
"This is gonna be it!"
But the girl turned around
And said: "Go eat shit!"
And ran on down the hall.
Right on, Magdalena!

My daughter dear,
Do not be concerned when your
Canadian daddy comes near.
My daughter dear
Do not be concerned when your
Canadian daddy comes near.
I work so hard,
Don't you understand,
Making maple syrup
For the pancakes of our land.
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?
(Tell 'em!)

Magdalena, don't you tease me like this
Right in the hallway with your blouse and your tits
If your mommy ever finds us like this
She'll call a lawyer, oh how mom will be pissed

DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DUH-DUH DEE-UH
DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DUH-DUH DEE-UH
DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DUH-DUH DEE-UH
DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DUH-DUH DEE-UH-WAH . . .

Magdalena, Magdalena, Magdalena, Magdalena,
daughter of the smog-filled winds of Los Angeles,
I'd like to take you in the closet and take off your little clothes
until you are virtually stark raving nude,
spread mayonaise
and kaopectate all over your body
and take you down to Hollywood Boulevard
and we can,
we can walk down the streets
by the stars that say Jon Provost and Leo G. Carroll together, baby.
We can go dancing up at the Cinegrill
can't you see it: Frank Pernell and us, until dark,
don't you understand, my baby?
I didn't mean, I didn't need, I mean . . .
it was so hard for me . . .
I just . . .
I saw you standing under the Shell pest strip late last night,
in the light,
with your little nipples protruding through your little see-thru thingie,
and I just said:
'My god, my god, I gave my sperm to this thing!'
And now I just,
oh, you got me so hard, I just,
I don't know what to do, Magdalena, don't you understand?
So I grabbed you, but,
but don't hold it against me, I mean,
your mom will never know, baby,
and I wantcha to come back to me,
I mean . . . do you understand me? I want you to . . .
I'm down on my knees to ya, Magdalena!
I wantcha ta walk back to me, baby,
I wantcha to turn around by the Sparkletts machine.
That's it! That's it!
In the little chartreuse hallway with the little neon Jesus picture on the wall,
and I want you to step, baby,
I want you to walk back in your five inch spike heels that you got at Frederick's,
same time you and your mommy got that crotchless underwear last year for Christmas,
and I want you to stroll back to me, baby
Walk back, baby, don'tcha understand me, baby?
I want you to walk back
I'm down on bended knees, baby
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I wanna take off your little training bra
Don't you understand me?
I'm gonna take off you little maroon hot pants
I'm gonna get down on my knees, baby,
dont'cha understand what I'm saying to you?
Your mom will never know,
she's playing bridge with the girls,
and you and I . . .
you and I go sucking som'thing, baby,
it's just you and I, don'tcha understand?
We can make love all night long,
nobody will ever know,
come on, Magdalena!
Please, little girl,
walk back to your daddy,
what did I do that was so wrong?
My God, I was only following the sexual impulse like I heard on the Johnny Carson Show
from a book or something I wrote,
I didn't know what I was doing
I got carried away
What can I say like . . . like . . .
walk back, baby,
come on,
oh, please, you gotta walk back, baby, walk back,
walk back to your daddy!
Come on, Magdalena, to your daddy, baby,
you gotta walk back, baby, walk back,
walk back, baby, walk back,
your mom will never know,
your mom will never know,
walk back, baby, walk back,
walk back, baby, walk back,
Magdalena, come back,
come back to you daddy,
walk back, baby,
walk back, baby,
walk, walk, walk, walk,
WALK!
Walk to your daddy,
come on down, stroll it around of me,
I'm down on my knees, don't you understand?
Your mom will never know,
I told you so . . .
(I love you, Magdalena!)
You know what . . .
I said . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Just Another Band From L.A.
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!

Primer mi carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time

Fuzzy Dice
(Fuzzy Dice . . . )
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
(My ship of love . . . )
Is ready to attack

Paint me a carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time

Fuzzy Dice
(Fuzzy Dice . . . )
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
(My ship of love . . . )
Is ready to attack
Won't you please hear my plea
Won't you please hear my plea
Hear my plea
Hear my plea
Hear my plea
Hear my plea

Yeah!

Hear my plea
Hear my plea
Hear my plea
Hear my plea

Thank you very much! Yeah!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Waka/Jawaka
Your mouth is your religion
You put your faith in a hole like that?
You put your trust and your belief
Above your jaw, and no relief
Have I found

I heard your story when you come home
You said you went to see your sister last night
Well, you might loose a bunch of teeth
And find a funeral wreath
While you'll be laying in the ground
All alone

So tell me where are you coming from
With all them lies
As you stumble in at the breakin' of the day.
Where are you coming from, my shot-gun say
Because it just might wanna blow you away
'Cause it just might wanna blow you away

An evil woman, can make ya cry
If you believe her every time she lies
Well you can be a big fool
If she makes you loose your cool, and so
I've got me some advice you should try

Just let her talk a little
Oh, just let her talk a little more
Just . . . just let her talk a little more
And when she runs out of words
Just say the same thing that I told you before

Now tell me where are you coming from
With all them lies
As you stumble in the breakin' of the day
Where are you coming from, my shot-gun say
Because it just might wanna blow you away
'Cause it just might wanna blow you away
'Cause it just might wanna blow you away
'Cause it just might wanna blow you away
'Cause it just might wanna blow you away
'Cause it just might wanna blow you away

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Waka/Jawaka
If the froggy come up
A-with his satchel in his hand,
Then he reach in the front
And dump a mile of sand
Across the rug, along the hall
Up to the umbrella stand
That you've been watchin' all the time
Watchin' all the time

And if a forest grows up
From the dirt on the floor,
That the frog with the satchel
Had just dumped beside the door
You're just startin' to get worried,
You ain't going out no more
And it's confusin' to your mind-

Just consider this:
You can be scared when it gets too real
You can be scared when it gets too real
But you should be diggin' it
While it's happening
(Yes! You should be diggin' it while it's happening!)
'Cause it just might be a one-shot deal

You can be lost
And you can wanna be found
But keep an eye on that frog
Whenever he jump around
Just keep a-watchin' him
You oughta be watchin' him
Just keep a-watchin' him
You wanna be askin' him
(And see if he's brought along a little bag for you, rant!)

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : The Grand Wazoo
[includes a quote from The Adventures Of Greggery Peccary]

Where did they go?
When did they come from?
What has become of them now?
How much was the leakage
From the drain in the night
And who are those dudes
In the back seat of Calvin's car?

Where did they go?
When they got off the car?
Did they go get a sandwich
And eat in the dark?

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