Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Frank Zappa Meets The Mothers Of Prevention
(Zappa/Mariano)

[includes a quote from the 3rd Movement "Marche Funebre" of the Sonata No. 2 in B Flat minor (Chopin)]

[Ike Willis voice
Chad Wackerman drums
FZ synclavier]

Yo cats, yo yo
Yo chooch, way to go
You is dead, but you don't know
Yo let's carve, hey where's them blow?

Get your fiddle, get your bow
Play some footballs on your hole
Watch your watch, play a little flat
Make the session go overtime, that's where it's at

Hey, saxophone, clarinet
How many doubles can you get
Special rules providin' the way
To help you maximize your pay

Your girl, Arlyn's, what's the diff
What's the service that you're with
So long as you can suck them butt
On the contractor who calls you up

Your career could take a thud
Unless you kneel and scarf his pud
And when the dates come rolling in
You can wipe your lips and flash a grin
That tells them all at the jingle date
That you enjoyed what you just ate

Yum yum, dog food
Haemorrhoid cream but the bread's so good
New RV and a leisure suit
Hey, I play shit but I love that loot

Thank the union, it's so great
Only a few get to be on the date
Those other schmucks with electric guitars
Got to play for poot in the "B" scale bars

You have made it, you are cool
You have been to the Berklee School
You give clinics on the side
Music has died and no one cried

Yo cats, Yo yo
Yo chooch way to go
You is dead

Hey! Have a nice one, guy!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Frank Zappa Meets The Mothers Of Prevention
[FZ synclavier]

[Voices from the Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation
September 19, 1985

Senator Danforth (R-Missouri)
Senator Hollings (D-South Carolina)
Senator Trible (R-Virginia)
Senator Hawkins (R-Florida)
Senator Exon (D-Nebraska)
Senator Gorton (R-Washington)
Senator Gore (D-Tennessee)
Tipper Gore
Reverend Jeff Ling
FZ

Thing-Fish section (including some dialog from Galoot Up-Date) from UMRK
c. 1982-83

Ike Willis Thing-Fish voice, rhythm guitar?
Steve Vai guitar
FZ rhythm guitar?
Tommy Mars keyboards
Arthur Barrow bass
Chad Wackerman drums

Piano people voices from Apostolic Studios, NYC
October, 1967

Spider Barbour voice
All-Night John Kilgore voice
Monica voice]

Chairman (John Danforth): The reason for this hearing is not to promote any legislation. Indeed, I don't know of any suggestion that any legislation be passed. But to simply provide a forum for airing the issue itself, for ventilating the issue, for bringing it out in the public domain. Senator Hollings.

Senator Hollings: I've had the opportunity to, ah, attend a, a showing, you might say, or presentation of, ah, this porn rock, as they call it. In the test of pornography, one of the things to look at is it, it does not have any redeeming social value. Ah, there could be an exception here, because having attended that pres, presentation, the redeeming social value I find that is inaudible. I have a hard time understanding it, then. Paul, since I traveled the country for 3 years, 'n they said they could not understand me. Maybe I could make a good rock star. I don't know. Heh . . . But in all candor, I would tell you it's, it's outrageous filth. So, I'll be looking from this Senator's standpoint, not just to bring pressures but to try to see if there is some constitutional provisions to tax, or approach that can be used on the Congress to limit this outrageous filth.

Chairman: Senator Trible.

Senator Trible: Rape, incest, sexual violence . . .
Senator Hollings: It's outrageous filth . . .
Senator Trible: Is like sandpaper to the soul . . . Now, the effects of such lyrics on a well adjusted child may not be cataclysmic
Senator Hollings: It's outrageous filth!
Senator Trible: Rather the emotional damage is more subtle
Senator Hawkins: Fire and chains and . . .
Senator Hollings: It's outrageous filth!
Senator Hawkins: Other . . . objectionable . . . tools of gratification in some twisted mind . . .
Johnny Guitar Watson: YEAH!
Senator Trible: Now, the effects of such lyrics on a well adjusted child may not be cataclysmic . . .
Senator Hollings: Porn Rock . . .
Senator Trible: Rather the emotional damage is more subtle
Senator Hollings: Willy nilly over the air
?: (And hear it now . . . hear it . . . hear it . . . )
Senator Hollings: If I could find some way constitutionally to do away with it, I would.
Senator Hawkins: Fire and chains and . . . other . . . objectionable . . .
Senator Hollings: Rock porn
Senator Hawkins: Tools of gratification in some twisted mind . . .
Johnny Guitar Watson: YEAH!
Senator Trible: Now, the effects of such lyrics on a well adjusted child may not be cataclysmic . . .
Senator Hollings: Porn rock!
Senator Trible: Now, the effects of such lyrics on a well adjusted child may not be cataclysmic . . .
Senator Hollings: Porn rock!
Senator Trible: Rather the emotional damage . . .
Senator Hollings: If I could find some way constitutionally to do away with it, I would.
Senator Hawkins: This issue is too hot not to cool down
Senator Trible: Now, the effects of such lyrics on a well adjusted child may not be cataclysmic . . .
Senator Trible: Rather the emotional damage is more subtle
Senator Hollings: Porn Rock
Senator Hollings: Porn Rock
Senator Hollings: Porn Rock . . .
Burn! Burn . . . !
Senator Hollings: Willy nilly over the air
Senator Hollings: Willy nilly over the air
Senator Hollings: Willy nilly over the air
Senator Hollings: Rock porn . . . rock porn . . . rock porn . . .
Senator Hawkins: This issue is too hot not to cool down
Senator Hawkins: Fire and chains and . . . other . . . objectionable . . . tools of gratification in some twisted mind . . .
Senator Hawkins: This issue is too hot not to cool down
Senator Hollings: Porn Rock
Senator Hollings: Porn Rock!
Senator Hollings: Porn Rock
Senator Hollings: Porn Rock!
Senator Hawkins: This issue is too . . .

Spider: This must be the end of the world! All the people turning into pigs and ponies . . . I can't let it happen to me!

Senator Exon: What is the reason for these hearings in front of the Commerce Committee?
FZ: Sex!
Well . . .
FZ: Sex!
Senator Hawkins: Thank you. I think that statement tells the story to this committee.
Rev. Jeff Ling: "Listen you little slut, do as you are told"
Senator Exon: What is the reason . . .
FZ: Sex!
Senator Exon: For these hearings in front of the Commerce Committee?
FZ: Sex!
Underwear
FZ: Bondage!
Rev. Jeff Ling: Listen you little slut
Rev. Jeff Ling: Listen you little slut, do as you are told
FZ: Sex, and lots of it
Rev. Jeff Ling: Fixed her good.
FZ: Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! . . .

Senator Hawkins: I would be interested to see what toys your kids ever had.
FZ: Why would you be interested?
Senator Hawkins: Just as a point of interest in this . . .
FZ: Well, come on over to the house. I'll show 'em to you . . . Really!
Senator Hawkins: I . . . I might do that.

Senator Trible: Rape, incest, sexual violence . . . is like sandpaper to the soul . . .
Senator Trible: Now, the effects of such lyrics on a well adjusted child may not be cataclysmic
Senator Hollings: It's outrageous filth!
Senator Trible: Rather the emotional damage is more subtle
Senator Hawkins: Fire and chains and . . . other
Senator Hollings: It's outrageous filth!
Senator Hawkins: Objectionable . . . tools of gratification in some twisted minds . . .
Johnny Guitar Watson: YEAH!
Senator Trible: Now the effects of such lyrics on a well adjusted child may not be cataclysmic . . .
Senator Hollings: Porn rock
Senator Hollings: Willy nilly over the air
Senator Trible: Rather the emotional damage is more subtle
Senator Hawkins: Fire and chains and . . . other
Senator Hollings: If I could find some way constitutionally to do away with it, I would.
Senator Hawkins: Objectionable . . . tools of gratification in some twisted minds . . .
Senator Trible: Now the effects of such lyrics on a well adjusted child may not be cataclysmic . . .
Johnny Guitar Watson: YEAH!
Senator Hollings: Something that we have got to give some kind of attention to.
Senator Trible: The mere announcement of this hearing led to cries of censorship.
Senator Trible: Now the effects of such lyrics on a well adjusted child may not be cataclysmic . . .
Senator Hollings: Porn Rock
Senator Trible: Now the effects of such lyrics on a well adjusted child may not be cataclysmic . . .
Senator Hollings: If I could find some way constitutionally to do away with it, I would.
Senator Trible: Rather the emotional damage . . .

Chairman: Thank you very much, Mr. Zappa. You understand that the, the, ah, previous witnesses were not asking for legislation. And I, I don't know, I can't speak for Senator Hollings, but I think that the prevailing view here is that nobody is asking for legislation. The question is just focusing on what a lot of people perceived to be a problem, and you have indicated that you at least understand that there is another point of view.

Senator Hollings: Willy nilly over the air
Senator Hollings: Willy nilly over the air
Senator Hollings: Willy nilly over the air

Chairman: Senator Gore.

Senator Gore: Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman. I found your statement very interesting and, ah, let me say although I disagree with some of the statements that you make and have made on other occasions, I have been a fan of your music, believe it or not. And I, I, ah, respect you as a true original and a tremendously talented musician.

Spider: Ooh, wait a minute!

Senator Hollings: Maybe I could make a good rock-star, I don't know
Rev. Jeff Ling: Come with . . . come with . . . come with daddy!
Senator Hollings: Maybe I could make a good rock-star, I don't know
Rev. Jeff Ling: Come with . . . come with daddy!
Senator Hollings: Maybe I could make a good rock-star, I don't know
Rev. Jeff Ling: Come with . . . come with . . . come with daddy!

Spider: They don't even understand their own music . . . of course nobody does, but . . .
John: They don't, they don't even know what they're doing
Spider: No!
John: I've, I've seen 'em a couple of times . . .
Spider: Did . . . did you see their uniforms?
John: Unbelievable!
Monica: Which ones? They, the red ones?
John: All those rhinestones over their rings and things like that
Monica: Do you know what I . . .
John: Gold lame hoof-covers . . . Unbelievable!

Senator Hollings: Maybe I could make a good rock-star
Senator Hollings: Maybe I could make a good rock-star
Rev. Jeff Ling: Gonna drive my love inside you
etc.
Senator Hollings: It's outrageous filth
Senator Hollings: It's outrageous filth
Rev. Jeff Ling: Come with daddy!
etc., etc.
Senator Hollings: Rock, rock, Porn Rock!
Senator Hollings: Rock porn
etc.
Senator Hollings: Willy nilly over the air

Senator Hollings: An' I think your suggestion is a good one. If you print those words, that would go a long way to satisfying everyone's objections, I . . .
FZ: All we have to do is find out how it is going to be paid for.

Pyromania
No questions
Burn the building!
Burn! Burn! Burn!
Johnny Guitar Watson: YEAH!
Senator Hollings: If I could find some way constitutionally to do away with it I would
Senator Hollings: Willy nilly over the air
Senator Hawkins: This issue is too hot not to cool down
Senator Hollings: So, I'll be looking from this Senator's standpoint, not just to bring pressures but to try to see if there is some constitutional provisions to tax, or approach that can be used on the Congress to limit this outrageous filth.
Johnny Guitar Watson: YEAH!

Thing-Fish:
We'll get back to de wimp and his low-budget conceptium of personal freedom in just a moment. But foist, welcome to: WHAT DE FUCK GWINE ON HERE? (A celebratium o' de American way o' life!) I see some o' y'all be FROWNIN' . . . 'cause mebbe y'think what I's tellin' ya' is a LIE! Am I right? Les' jes' have a test . . . How many o' you nice folks think I knows what I's talkin' 'bout? RAISE Y'HAIN UP! Uh-huh! An' how many thinks my potato been bakin' too long? RAISE YO MIZZABLE HAIN UP! Uh-huh! Now . . . how many you folks is CONVINCED de gubnint be totally 'UNCONCERNED' wit de proliferatium o' UNDESIRABLE TENANTS in de CONDOMINIUM o' LIFE? An' how many folks believe THEY number won't come up, next time de breeze blow fum de Easterly directium? Les' face it, peoples! Ugly as I mights be, I AM YO' FUTCHUM! Ain't that right, SISTER OB'DEWLLA? Hmm hmm! Oh, oh yeah! Thass right!

Chairman: Senator Gorton.
Senator Gorton: Mr. Zappa, I, ah, am astounded at the courtesy and soft-voiced nature of the comments of my friend, the Senator from Tennessee. I can only say that I found your statement to be boorish, ah, incredibly and insensitively insulting to the people that were here previously; that you could manage to give the first amendment of the Constitution of the United States a bad name, if I felt that you had the slightest understanding of it, which I do not. You do not have the slightest understanding of the difference between Government action and private action, and you have certainly destroyed any case you might otherwise have had with this Senator. Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
FZ: Is this private action?

Rev. Jeff Ling: Degradation. Humiliation. Thrusting, shoving. Animals humping.
Senator Hawkins?: There's no absolute right to free speech
FZ: I don't think this is constitutional . . .
Tipper Gore: A voluntary labeling is not censorship . . .
Rev. Jeff Ling: Bend up and smell my anal vapor
Tipper Gore: A voluntary . . . voluntary . . . voluntary . . .
Tipper Gore: A voluntary labeling is not censorship . . .

Rev. Jeff Ling: Degradation . . . humiliation . . .
Well . . .
Rev. Jeff Ling: Gonna drive my love inside of you
Well . . .
FZ: Is this private action?
Senator Hawkins: In chains . . .
Rev. Jeff Ling: Listen you little slut, do as you are told . . .
Senator Hawkins?: There's no absolute right . . .
Senator Hawkins?: There's no absolute right . . .
Well . . .
Well . . .
Rev. Jeff Ling: Dressed in leather bondage, masks . . .
Well . . .
Rev. Jeff Ling: Bend up and smell my anal vapor
There's no . . . There's no . . .

Chairman: Mr. Zappa, thank you very much for your testimony.
FZ: Thank you.
Chairman: Next witness is John Denver . . .
Senator Hollings?: We haven't got 'em whipped on this one yet. You got a bear by the tail here, uh? Jeezis!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Broadway The Hard Way
[includes a quote from Rock Of Ages (Toplady/Hastings)]

[Intro:
Beethovensaal, Liederhalle, Stuttgart, Germany
May 24, 1988
Rest:
Palasport, Genoa, Italy
June 9, 1988]

Ladies and gentlemen:
Elvis has just left the building

Elvis has just left the building -
Those are his footprints, right there
Elvis has just left the building -
To climb up that heavenly stair

He gave away Cadillacs once in a while;
Had sex in his underpants,
Yes, he had style!
Bell-bottom jump-suits?
That's them in a pile,
But he don't need 'em now,
'Cause he's makin' Jesus smile!

Elvis has just left the building -
(There he goes!)
Those are his footprints, right there
Elvis has just left the building -
To climb up that heavenly stair

The Angels all love him,
He brings them relief
With droplets of moisture
From his handkerchief!
Cher'bim 'n ser'phim
Whizz over his head -
Jesus, let him come back!
We don't want Elvis dead!

So what if he looks like a wart-hog in heat?
He knows we all love him -
We'll just watch him eat,
So take down the foil
From his hotel retreat,
And bring back The King
For the man in the street!

Elvis has just left the building -
Those are his footprints, right there
Elvis has just left the building -
He's up there with Jesus, in a big purple chair

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Broadway The Hard Way
[includes quotes from Teddy Bears' Picnic (Bratton/Kennedy) and Dance Of The Cuckoos (Hatley)]

[Music Hall, Cleveland, Ohio
March 5, 1988
&
Warner Theatre, Washington DC
February 9, 1988
&
Tower Theater, Upper Darby, PA
February 12, 1988]

Meanwhile, on Wall Street . . .

On the Planet of the Baritone Women
They talk low
'Bout stuff they know.

They sing "Oooh!"
And laugh at you
(Ah-ha-ha-ha-hah! Hey!)

If you can't
(IF YOU CAN'T)
Do it too
(DO IT TOO)
(Ah-ha-ha-ha-hah! Hey!)

They sing "Li-Li-Li-Li!"
They sing "Lo-Lo-Lo-Lo!"
The men carry purses
Wherever they go

Junior executives.
All in a row,
Watch the Baritone Women
Do the Baritone show
(Ah-ha-ha-ha-hah! Hey!)

They sing about wheat;
They sing about corn;
They sing about places
Where women was born

They sing about hate!
They sing about fear!
It seems like they all got
A pretty good ear
(Ah-ha-ha-ha-hah! Hey!)

They sing it in harmony
Not often heard,
With a big ol' cadenza . . .
(Robert Martin, from Philadelphia,
Curtis Institute graduate, 1971
Let's hear it for him!)
On every long word

They keep it as low
As they possibly can,
And sometimes they walk
Like an E-GYP-TIAN
(Ah-ha-ha-ha-hah! Hey!)

They do choreography
Still more unique!
They leave their legs open
Whenever they speak!

They roll their eyes upward
And over again,
And slam their legs closed
When they sing about men!

Those Baritone Women!
They are not your friend!
(Ah-ha-ha-ha-hah!)

You will make a mistake
If you go there again!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Broadway The Hard Way
[Tower Theater, Upper Darby, PA
February 12, 1988
&
Warner Theatre, Washington DC
February 9, 1988
&
Music Hall, Cleveland, Ohio
March 5, 1988
&
Falkoner Teatret, Copenhagen, Denmark
April 25, 1988]

Broadway The Hard Way, ladies and gentlemen!
Broadway The Hard Way!

You are the girl
Somebody invented
In a grim little office
On Madison Ave.

They were specific
They made you terrific:
Red lips;
Blue eyes;
Blonde hair;
Un-wise -
You're All-American,
And, darling, they said so

YOU'D TAKE ANY KIND OF PAIN FROM ME,
WOULDN'T YOU, BABY?
YOU'D TAKE ANY KIND OF PAIN FROM ME,
WOULDN'T YOU, BABY?
SINCE YOU HAVEN'T GOT A BRAIN,
LET ME JUST EXPLAIN:
ANY KIND OF PAIN
IS NEVER A MAYBE

What?

Her head's full of bubbles;
Her nose is petite!
She looks like she never
Gets nothin' to eat!

'N she dines with actors,
'N Wall Street characters:
Dull talk;
Nice clothes -
See her?
She blows -
(She's so important
'Cause he gets to do talk shows -)

SHE'D TAKE ANY KIND OF PAIN FROM ME,
WOULDN'T SHE, BOBBY? (Yeah, she would!)
SHE'D TAKE ANY KIND OF PAIN FROM ME,
WOULDN'T SHE, BOBBY?
SINCE SHE HAVEN'T GOT A NAME,
LET ME JUST EXPLAIN:
ANY KIND OF PAIN
IS PROB'LY HER HOBBY

No . . . ow-ow-ow-oh . . . no . . .

She has moved up now;
She's come a long way -
They give her bunches
Of words she can say!

When she's in a bold mood,
"Confinement Loaf" sounds good -
That's right,
She's wrong!
Let's end
Her song

(It seems she's everywhere
We just can't escape her -
Is this a miracle of pure evolution?
And all the yuppie boys, they dream they will rape her -
She brings the BUS RIDE
To a thrilling conclusion!)

YES, SHE'S EVERY BIT AS TAME AS ME,
ISN'T SHE TENDER?
YES, SHE'S EVERY BIT AS LAME AS ME,
LET US REMEMBER,
SHE GETS ONLY HALF THE BLAME
ONLY HALF THE BLAME
ONLY HALF THE BLAME
UNLESS WE EXTEND HER -

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Broadway The Hard Way
[Royal Oak Music Theatre, Detroit, Michigan
February 26, 1988]

Here we go!

The Surgeon General, Doctor Koop
S'posed to give you all the poop
But when he's with P.M.R.C.
The poop he's scoopin'
Amazes me

C-Span showed him, all dressed up
In his phoney Doctor God get-up
He looked in the camera and fixed his specs
'N gave a fascinating lecture
'Bout anal sex
ANAL SEX
ANAL SEX
ANAL SEX
ANAL SEX

He says it is not good for us
We just can't be promiscuous
He's just a doctor - he should know
It's the work of the Devil, so
Girls, don't blow!
DON'T BLOW
DON'T BLOW

Don't blow Jimmy, don't blow Bobby
Get yourself another hobby
(If Jesus practiced medicine
I'm sure he'd do it
Just like him)

Is Doctor Koop a man to trust?
It seems at least that Reagan must
(And Ron's a trusting sort of guy -
He trusts Ed Meese
I wonder why?)
I WONDER WHY
WONDER WHY

The A.M.A. has just got caught
For doin' stuff they shouldn't ought
All they do is lie and lie
Where's Doctor Koop?
He's standin' by

Surgeon General? What's the deal?
Is your epidemic real?
Are we leaving something out?
Something we can't talk about?
A little green monkey over there
Kills a million people?
That's not fair!
Did it really go that way?
Did you ask the C.I.A.?
Would they take you serious,
Or have THEY been
Promiscuous
Have THEY been Promiscuous
Have THEY been Promiscuous
Have THEY been Promiscuous

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Broadway The Hard Way
(Nelson Riddle/FZ)

[includes a quote from Hawaii Five-0 (Stevens)]

[Monologue by Ike Willis

Civic Center, Providence
March 16, 1988]

Rico! Youngblood! Wake up!
Prohibition is over, but the country's still a mess!
They need us out there!
We've got some cleaning up to do - especially when it comes to
THIS GUY . . .
Get those sport coats on with the big lapels . . .
They're back - they're fashionable again!
Okay - let's look at some mug-sheets
of the suspects from the 80's . . .

ADMIRAL POINDEXTER! Get back on Felix The Cat where you belong!
Get the damn pipe out of your mouth!
You're history, you're gone!

OLIVER NORTH! No "Secret Government" for you, buddy!
You're over! you're trough!

BILL CASEY! You're dead!
(I mean that . . . )

BUSH! You're still a wimp - I'm sorry - You're history!

DEAVER! NOFZIGER! You're crooks! Book 'em Dan-o! Dan-o? How'd he get in the show? Get outta here!

REAGAN! You're asleep! Wake up! The country's in a mess!
You're anyway out in the way, buddy
You're history - you're meat - you're through!
You're vapor - you're baloney without the mayo, buddy!
You're outta here - In fact, it's Robin Leach instead!
"I don't know why . . . "

Hey, fellas - take me to the bridge! I want it now!
Rico! Youngblood! Let's get outta here! It's all over!

THE UNTOUCHABLES!

FZ: And The Untouchables are: Ike Willis . . .
Ike: Thank you!
FZ: Mike Keneally . . .
Ike: History!
FZ: Walt Fowler, Bruce Fowler, Paul Carman, Albert Wing, Kurt McGettrick, Chad Wackerman, Ed Mann, Robert Martin, Scott Thunes, Eric Buxton . . . Thanks for coming to the show, and good night!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Broadway The Hard Way
While I was down in W.D.C.
Certain folks were not glad to see me
I just tried to get out the vote
But some little weasel must 'a dropped 'em a note

It said:
"Check out the politics
Practiced by this oaf
And if they ain't just right
Feed him Confinement Loaf."

They wanne be
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
LOAF...loaf

They wanne be
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
LOAF...loaf

They wanne be
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
Feedin' 'em
LOAF...loaf

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Broadway The Hard Way
(Sting & Andy Summers)

[includes Stolen Moments (Nelson)]

[Auditorium Theatre, Chicago
March 3, 1988

Performance by Sting]

FZ: Alright . . . Now, this afternoon on my way down the elevator we stopped at the lobby, and I was introduced to a man named Sting who I'd never met before. And, he's a very nice man, and he came to the show tonight and I just talked to him in the dressing room a little while ago and I said: "How would you, Mr. Sting, like to come up on stage and perform with us?" Now . . .
Sting: How's [...]. It's not in my nature to kick a man when he's down. When I saw the first part of the show I realised I had to come up here and tell you something. Well, four years ago Jimmy Swaggart said this about me: He said this here song by The Police, "Murder By Numbers," was written by SATAN! Performed by the sons of SATAN! BEELZEBUB! LUCIFER! THE HORNED ONE! I wrote the fuckin' song, alright?

Once that you've decided on a killing
First you make a stone of your heart
If you find that your hands are still willing
Then you can turn a murder into art
There really isn't any need for bloodshed
You just do it with a little more finesse

If you can slip a tablet into someone's coffee
Then it avoids an awful lot of mess because
It's murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC

Now if you have a taste for this experience
And you're flushed with your very first success
Then you must try a twosome or a threesome
And you'll find your conscience bothers you much less
Because a murder is like anything you take to
It's a habit-forming need for more and more

You can bump off every member of your family
And anybody else you find a bore
Because it's murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
I said murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers A B C D E

FZ: Mr. Sting! Ladies and gentlemen . . . Mr. Sting!
Ike: Sting!
FZ: Thank you! "Murder By Numbers" . . . And then, suddenly . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Broadway The Hard Way
[includes quotes from Perry Mason Theme (Steiner) and Jingle Bells (Pierpont)]

[Tower Theater, Upper Darby, PA
February 13, 1988]

Jezebel Boy!
You know all the guys
In the Sheriff's Patrol
They leave you alone
When they round up the whores
Up on Hollywood Boulebard

(What?
Now this is what happens in Los Angeles . . . )

Sometimes that ol' nasty D.A., you say
Thinks he needs his name
In the paper again -
That's when
The short-pants girls
They have to take that ride
With a friendly, friendly policeman

But the Jezebel Boy
On the corner by the Technicolor processing plant
He stands by the light;
Waitin' through that night
Waitin', waitin' for that, that distinguished-looking
Wilshire District Gentleman
With snow-white hair,
("Maybe I could make a good rock star")
To drive up in his Lincoln,
And whisk away the Jezebel Boy

There he goes now!
Old Ralph will make him put that wretched
Sausage in his mouth again

Ike: Hah hah hah! Hah hah hah!
FZ: Go ahead!
Ike: Hah hah hah!
FZ: Want that again?
Ike: Yeah, sure!

Old Ralph will make him put that wretched
Sausage in his mouth again
And again
(Again again)
Aaaaand . . . one mo' gin

Well, hah! Well, you know they say . . .
Another day,
Another sausage -
Jezebel Boy

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Broadway The Hard Way
Act II

SCENE FOURTEEN
OUTSIDE NOW

JOE: (somewhat exhausted)
These executives have plooked the fuck out of me
And there's still a long time to go before I've
Paid my debt to society
And all I ever really wanted to do was
Play the guitar 'n bend the string like
Reent-toont-teent-toont-teenooneenoonee
I've got it
I'll be sullen and withdrawn
I'll dwindle off into the twilight realm
Of my own secret thoughts
I'll lay on my back here 'til dawn
In a semi-catatonic state
And dream of guitar notes
That would irritate
An executive kinda guy...

And sure enough JOE dreams up a few of those guitar notes
that every executive despises...those low ones...every exec
knows it's only the records with the high squeally ones that
get to be hits (except for Duane Eddy)...

Well, I guess that one did the trick
If they only coulda heard it
Half-a-dozen of em woulda strangled
While they was suckin on each others' dick
But that was just a bunch of imaginary
Notes I played
Just a little extra somethin'
To keep me goin from day to day
That's okay
I'll be gettin outta here pretty soon
Then I won't have to live
In this ugly fuckin room
Can't wait to see
I can't wait to see what it's like
On the outside now...
etc., etc., etc.

And JOE just lays there, dreaming imaginary guitar notes for years
on end, until finally they let him out...

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Broadway The Hard Way
[Stadthalle, Vienna, Austria
May 8, 1988
&
Rudi-Sedlmeyer Sporthalle, Munich, Germany
May 9, 1988]

I used to have a job
An' I was doin' fairly well
Depression came along
An' everybody start to yell
"Where'd they go, them good ol' days,
'An all that crap we used to sell?"
Now I'm in Hot-Plate Heaven,
at the Green Hotel

Republicans is fine,
If you're a multi-millionaire
Democrats is fair,
If all you own is what you wear
Neither of 'em's REALLY right,
'Cause neither of 'em CARE
'Bout that Hot-Plate Heaven,
'Cause they ain't been there

They really oughta go
'N find out how the hall-way smell -
They'd benefit to know
'Bout what the bums in there could tell
(I guess we're only dreamin',
But I s'pose it's just as well
That's ALL you get to dream
Up in the Green Hotel)

Nature didn't put me here,
An' neither did my fate -
It musta been some evil ol'
Republican candidate!
He's over there in Washington,
But I wish he was in HELL
'Cause I'm in Hot-Plate Heaven
At the Green Hotel

Things is slightly better now;
They hope we will forget
The misery of 'TRICKLE DOWN',
An' jelly-bean etiquette
The Regal Presidential Style
Has simply not worn well,
But neither has my rags,
Up in the Green Hotel

(I said) the Green Hotel
(I mean) the Green Hotel
(Been there once) the Green Hotel
(An' gone again) the Green Hotel

Neither has my rags
Up in the Green Hotel

Pass me the dog food!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Aynsley: Here comes the gear, lads!
Howard: Dunbar . . .
Jeff: "Here comes the gear, lads"
Howard: I'm telling you man . . .
Jeff: Sounds like a Beatles cartoon
Howard: Key down
Aynsley: Just keep your mouth shut, you . . . Curly!
?: Look at those cars! The race cars
Mark: Sure sounds like the Beatles cartoon, "Hey, John Lennon here . . . "
Jeff: "Hey, Wankers, there goes the gear"
Pilot: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your passenger agent. I'd like to welcome you to aboard United's flight 664 to Spokane. We're departing in just a few more minutes. We'll just be a . . . couple minutes delayed due to loading some extra baggage.
Mark: Could that be ours?
Pilot: I'd like to remind you that the, the bags you've carried on, that they should be stored underneath the seat in front of you . . .
Mark: Howard?
Pilot: During the flight . . .
Howard: Uh, yes, Mark . . .
Mark: Would you like some film?
Howard: I would
Pilot: Hope you have a pleasant trip, and . . . thank you for flying United

Stewardess: Good night, all

Ha ha!
Now, the trip . . .
This is great!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
[includes quotes from Mona Bone Jakon (Cat Stevens) and Long Hot Summer Night (Jimi Hendrix)]

Bruce: Bruce [...] . . .
FZ: What?
Bruce: From Reprise Records
FZ: Hi, there, how you doing?
Bruce: How you doing? Nice to see you again
FZ: Alright
Bruce: How's it going?
FZ: Well, it's alright
Bruce: Good. Hey, we got a neat publicity stunt we'd like to try
FZ: What's the stunt?
Bruce: We got a garbage truck we'd like to get some pictures of you and the Mothers on it
FZ: That's probably one of the most terrible ideas I've ever heard in my life! We're going down there?
Bruce: Yeah!
Mark: You'd love it, you know that?
Bruce: And, uh, we got that news paper here to cover it and, uh, plus, the front of the chart and stuff
FZ: The front of the chart . . .
Bruce: Yes, the, uh, FM chart that's put over here in Vancouver as a distribution for fifty thousand
FZ: What do you think, Dick?
Dick: What? A photo at the garbage truck?
Bruce: I think it's really gonna be a great idea, I really do

. . . on the other side of that
"But it won't be lonely for long . . . "
What's the deal?
Howard: Must we stand amidst the scum to get the idea across?
"Where are you on this ah long hot summer
Where are you on this ah . . . "

Mark: Are we going in it?
You think you can possibly . . . with the foot there?

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
[includes a quote from Whole Lotta Love (Page/Plant/Jones/Bonham)]

Mark: All skate. Men only!
Aynsley: Man, shou . . . shoulda put the fuckin' [...]
?: Gotta put that sign on the front, man
?: Got to get that sign on the front
?: [...] sign of the bass player
Aynsley: Because I . . . I'm gonna have to find [...] I'm gonna take about five minutes with the other thing in there in time to go on
?: Get some more weirdness
?: Hey man
?: Hey, it's far right here
?: [...] together?
?: It's far right there
?: Well . . .
?: Perverse!
George: Hey, I'm still an hour here
Mark: See it, my washboard's in the car
?: What?
Aynsley: See, they gotta have two holes here
?: Ah!
Jeff: Yeah
?: Washboards . . .
Jeff: Oh we got our amps switched. I should be having . . .

Mark:
If you do not hear me
You may now walk out
For I am here
And I am talking . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Howard: This is neat!
Jeff: Spending a night in the motel
Howard: This is about the neatest Holiday Inn I've seen in days. The rooms are in Foon's name, hey? Look at that, wild coyotes!
FZ: Ha ha ha ha!
Mark: Okay, uh, you guys are gonna wait while I go in and check?
FZ: Yeah, you're the straightest looking member, so
Howard: Really, why don't you go in and see if you . . .
Mark: Yeah, man, right over there, right behind that car
Howard: Singles!
Mark: They're already set up that way, sure
Howard: Oh. Good.

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
[includes a quote from Blue Moon (Hart/Rodgers)]

Howard: Sure, man, and I'll go until two and I'm gonna be in there supporting 'em, in fact I'll sit in with those guys. I'm into it, I'll sing a little "Blue Moon . . . "
Mark: Hey man . . .
Dick: Listen, this is a nice place, man, it's got a beautiful room . . .
Howard: Don't give me that man, it's plastic city, it bites, the guy behind . . .
Dick: Relax and enjoy some of the wo-, wonderments of nature . . .
Howard: No no no no, the guy behind the desk is a werewolf. You can't give me any of that, the chick over there's been dead for twenty minutes. I'm hip to this place, I've seen 'em in my sleep, man
Dick: Hey, listen, I've never seen you this way, man
Howard: No, man, I'm not keyed at all
Dick: You're unpleasant
Howard: I'm not unpleasant! I can't wait to sign the card and check into my little closet. Unpack my leather cape, hang it up on the wall, get out the washboard, put away my nitty books and get into it! I'm gonna go down and cruise in that lounge, man, I'm gonna have . . .
Dick: Watch this, it's right in there, just step right in
Howard: I'm gonna take a look

?: Hello, Frank . . .
Howard: Ooohoowwoh!
Mark: Hey, what is this, man? Is this the can-can room?
Howard: This place waits for us, man
Mark: This place waits us! Is there a piano?
Howard: There's a juke box with a lotta hokie country songs on it. I am coming in here and getting blotto in about ten minutes
Mark: Oh, man, me too!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Howard: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, coming to you direct from high atop the Konrad Adenauer Inn. Just a short forty five minute rocket flight, from where Cape Canaveral meets the Alcan Highway, twenty minutes down Route 66, just a short hop skip and a jump from the corner of Sunset and Fifth avenue. High atop one Fifth avenue where we're listening to the rancid rhythms of Riles Mizzinnitz and his music to make you wanna throw up. Yes, and coming up right after this, ladies and gentlemen, The Five Rancid Fingers of Ben Zedrine and his . . .
Mark: Strings . . .
Howard: Silly side and cut ups, yes, ladies and gentlemen, here we go into another . . . thing. No, not into another thing, ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad, because it's time to say that you're listening to the National Bum Rushing Company and we're all sitting around the table here stewed, ladies and gentlemen, and we're sitting here in Spokane, Washington
Mark: Right on
Howard: Would beyond the reef
Mark: Can Can
Howard: I hope this is it, because I can't go on crooning forever, come on in, boys!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Aynsley: Leaving in fifteen minutes, Frank
Howard: I've never been . . . underwear!

" . . . funny"
Mark: Fantastic! The world were meant for you
Howard: Hey man, anyone checked out that show that's on called "TV . . . "
Aynsley: Yeah . . . show . . .
Howard: "TV Around the World," a BBC show. The lowest

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Big John Mazmanian!
Gas Rhonda!
Funny Car!
Sunday!
FZ: Thank you
Aynsley: You're welcome
Howard: Hey, listen!
Mark: My throat . . .
Howard: Send me twelve eight by ten glossies in Monday's mail
?: Fifty bucks a piece
Howard: Fifty bucks a piece? Cheap at twice the price. Call my service
?: Right
Howard: Thanks a lot man, would really . . . A funny door!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Penis dimension
Penis dimension
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?

No!

Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan . . .
That the size of your cock is not monstruous enough?

It's your penis dimension!
Penis dimension!

Howard:
Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah
Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah

Mark: Hiya friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possiblity that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of sub-conscious tension? Weird, twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician! A policeman! A jesuit monk
Howard?: [...]
Mark: A rock and roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone BEEF-UP, may become writers of hot books
Howard: "Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim."
Mark: Yes, or they become Carmelite nuns!
Howard: "Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit." Ha ha ha!
Mark: Ooh, or racehorse jockeys. There is no reason why you, or your loved one should suffer. Things are bad enough, without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the TROUBLES OF THE WORLD!
Howard: Right on, right on!
Mark: Now, if your a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school:
Mark & Howard: ANYTHING OVER A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED! YES!
Mark: And isn't it the truth? And if you're a guy, and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool, I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear, you're being so cool, and somebody hits on you one night, and he looks you up and down and he says, uh . . .
Howard: Eight inches or less?
Mark: Well let me tell you, brothers, that's the time when you got to turn around and look that sonofabitch right between the eyes, and you got to tell him these words:

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Howard: You, you there with the hard on!
FZ: With the hard on the little napkin in the small pocket mirror, would you please rise . . .
Mark: Brian Hyland, ladies and gentlemen!
Howard: Sit down, Aynsley! Not you
?: Shut up!
FZ: Ready?
Mark: Yes
FZ: Quick! Before these people [beware]

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
[includes a quote from Tico-Tico no Fuba (Zequinha de Abreu)]

[Pauley Pavilion, UCLA, California
August 7, 1971]

Ballen von Zecken
Und alten Sporthemden, Sporthemden, Sporthemden
Lachen von Feuer
Lachen von Gummi
Lachen von Tranen
(Sheets of tears)
Ooh ooh ooh awh . . .
Lachen von getrocknetem Wasser
(Sheets of drywall and roofing)
Lachen von drywall und roofing
(Sheets of large deprived rumba)
Lachen von riesigen, tief-gefrorenen Rumba

A light shines down from heaven
A dense ecumenical bandana
At the right hand of God's big rumba

And his voice pronounceth out
In sheets of plywood
And bales of old sportshirts
And this is what he said

Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Mein Sofa!

And you know what that means . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
It's the middle of the night
And your mommy & your daddy are sleeping
It's the middle of the night
And your mommy & your daddy are sleeping
SLEEPING
MOM & DAD ARE SLEEPING
SLEEPING IN A JAR . . . (the jar is under the bed)

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
(M.O.I./FZ)

[includes a quote from Lady Of The Island (Graham Nash)]

[Rainbow Theater, London, England
December 10, 1971]

Ooooooh Aaaaaah
Ooooh
Aaaah
Howard: Poor baby!
FZ: Oooooh . . . Don't like the Greek food in this neighborhood, hey?
Oooooh . . .
FZ: Tell me the truth, what did you eat?
Mark: I ate . . .
FZ: Tell me the truth, what did you eat?
Howard: I had a Shish kebab
FZ: Tell me the truth, what did you eat? You didn't eat?
Mark: I was having chicken . . .
FZ: You didn't eat?
Howard: He didn't eat anything. He drank wine
Mark: With, uh, spinnach . . .
FZ: What did you eat?
Mark: And boiled potatoes . . .
Jim: I had a roller skate
Mark: Not just any grease but . . .
GREASE

The browness of her body
Makes me sweat inside my crotch
I want so much to kiss her
But I/she smells of rancid botch
Do do do do do do
Oooooooh wagh!

Mark: Grease, grease, I tell ya, all I had was grease, it cost me two dollars and thirty five cents, it was nothing but a plate of grease
Howard: And a wine tasted like . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
(Frank Zappa and Jeff Simmons)

L.A. in the summer of '69
I went downtown and bought me some wine
Oh, I drank it down under the table
I said: "Watch me now, I'm gonna eat the label!"
Well I'm a wino man
Don't you know I am?

36, 24, hips about 30
I seen a fine lady and I started talkin' dirty
Boy, she looked over at me and she raised the thumb
She said: "Jam down the road, you fun-ba-bum-bum"
I'm a wino man
Don't you know I am?

I went to the country
And while I was gone
I lost control of my body functions
On a roller-headed lady's front lawn
I'm so ashamed, but I'm a wino man
I can't help myself

I've been drinkin' all night till my eyes got red
Stumbled on the gutter and busted my head
Bugs in my zoot suit, been scratchin' like a dog
I can't stand no water, and I stink like a hog
Give me a five dollar bill
And an overcoat too
Give me a five dollar bill
And an overcoat too
A five dollar bill and an overcoat too
A five dollar bill and a Florsheim shoe

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena,
Can't you see
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n urn
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

Ten long years I have been lovin' her
Ten long years
And I thought deep down in my heart
She was mine
Ten long years I been lovin' her
Ten long years
I would call her my baby, and now,
I'm always cryin'

I would be so delighted
I.would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
I must be free
My fake I.D.
Freeeeeees me
Gotta do a few things
To make my life complete
I gotta live my life
Out on the street
The difference between us
Is not very far
Cruising for burgers
In daddy's new car
My phony freedom card
Brings to me
Instantly
ECSTASY

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
(M.O.I)

[Tully Gymnasium, Florida State University
October 9, 1970]

Back [...] a hundred years ago
There wasn't anyway you can go down here in Florida
Mississippi
[...]
Any of [...] things
Then you got your home [...]
And you got your own things
And you got your soul brothers
Hundred years ago [...]
Would never [...] it was
[...]
[...]
[...] background, ladies and gentlemen
[...] brownie diphtheria harmonica blues
[...] Asthma Mark
And the Funk Brothers
Good God!
Good God!
[...]
What is this?
I can't stand it
I can't really [...] a heartbreak
You just warm me up
Take it to my pocket please
Take it to my hometown
Take it to my strawhat
Take it in my blue [...]
They send me down by the scarecrow
And they say
Hey, boy
You better picking bluebirds all day long
It's about time you really got it on
And I know you brothers got rhythm and you got soul
Somebody you play some, I mean
We gotta have one on every block
Just to show how cool we are
I'm staying [...] and all of this
What's that rag you're listening here
Would be [Joe Brown and the Twistmen], boy
Would take your women back to their shed
We're gonna use you to make me feel, boy
Then we're gonna sit down and [...] on you
[...]
Fine [...] Asthma Mark
They used to say, play that thing there for more
Play the harmonica, boy
Play that thing
Asthma Mark goes free, yeah!
[...] what?
Asthma Mark goes free, yeah!
Free yeah!
Free yeah!
Carlos Santana, ladies and gentlemen!

Good God!
Don't break that bottle, brother Aynsley
It's all we got

So Asthma Mark would sit on the corner
And he would play his Diphtheria Blues on this corner
And people will come from miles around
To see Asthma Mark a-wheezing and a-playing
A-playing and a-wheezing
And spewing
And a-foaming
They say
We love you, Asthma Mark
And we sing with him
Go Diphtheria Blues

I can't breath
I can't breath
My blow's a sweater
Miles of water and
[...]
Oh, I can't stand it
What's gonna happen to me
Oh Diphtheria got me down
Oh San Antonio epidemic out
Oh [...]
Oh Diphtheria Blues
[...] say
Gonna play in this [...]
Gonna [...] through
[...] on the back
[...]
[...] in my place
[...] here
[...] funky blues
Diphtheria Blues
Got me down
Diphtheria Blues
Got me down
Can't stand it no more
Diphtheria Blues
Just [...]
[...]
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues, yeah
Diphtheria Blues, oh
Diphtheria Blues [...]
Can't stand it
Oh no
Oh no
OW!

OW!

HOO-AAHHH!

Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Can't stand it
Oh no
Oh no
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Play that thing Asthma Mark

Good God!
Good God!
Amen . . .

John Lennon: Okay?
FZ: Sit down and cool it for a minute so you can hear what we're gonna do!
John Lennon: Yeah, this is a song I used to sing when I was in The Cavern in Liverpool, I haven't done it since so . . . Two, three, four . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
(Walter Ward)

[Fillmore East, NYC
Late show, June 6, 1971]

You know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well, well
You know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well, well
You know I love you, honey, child
'Cause nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
You know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well

You know I love you, baby, please, don't go
You know I love you, baby, please, don't go
You know I love you, honey, child
Nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
Y'know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well
Zappa!

You know I want you, baby, please, don't go, well, well
You know I want you, baby, please, don't go
You know I love you, honey, child
'Cause nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
You know I want you, baby, please, don't go, well

Well, you know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well
You know I love you, baby, please, don't go
You know I love you, honey, child
'Cause nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
I know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well
Yeah!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
(Lennon, Ono, FZ)

[Fillmore East, NYC
Late show, June 6, 1971]

Please!
Say please!

FZ: We take turns conducting
John Lennon: Okay

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
(Lennon, Ono, Kaylan, FZ)

[Fillmore East, NYC
Late show, June 6, 1971]

Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Eh, yo, yeah, yo
Scum Bag
(Gonna put all my posessions in a)
Scum Bag
(Gonna shut my damn pa-jamas in a)
Scum Bag
(Gonna put my dirty movies in a)
Scum Bag
(Gonna put my Yoko records in a)
Scum Bag
(Gonna put my old high school in a)
Scum Bag
(Everybody, everybody, by the)
Scum Bag
(Oh, my pretty baby, do the)
Scum Bag
(Everybody)
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
(Oh, Yoko's in a)
Scum Bag
(Everybody, everybody)
Scum Bag
Scum Bag!
(All God's children gotta)
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag!
Oh, Scum Bag
Ah, ooh, gotta Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Choo choo choo . . .
Scum Bag, Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag

FZ: Hey, listen! I don't know whether you can tell what the words are to this song, but there's only two of them, and I'd like to have you sing along 'cause it's real easy. Anybody who comes to the Fillmore East can sing the song. The name of the song is "Scum Bag," okay? And all you gotta do is sing "Scum Bag." Right on, brothers and sisters, let's hear it for the Scum Bag!

Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Come on, come on, come on
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag

Scum Bag, baby, Scum Bag
Scum Bag

Scum Bag, baby
Scum Bag, baby
Scum Bag, baby
Scum Bag, baby
Scum Bag to me, baby
Scum Bag
(Scum Bag to me, baby)
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
(Scum Bag to me baby)
Scum Bag
SCUM BAG
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Do the Scum Bag, hey
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
(Scum Bag, hey)
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Answer now
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag . . .
Ooh, Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum-bag
Scum-bag
Scum-baaag
Scum-baaag
Scum-baaaaag
Scum-baaaag, scum-baaaag, scum-baaag . . .

FZ: Good night, boys and girls!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
(Lennon, Ono)

[Fillmore East, NYC
Late show, June 6, 1971]

FZ: Good night!
John Lennon: Good night, thank you!
Yoko Ono: Thank, thank you
John Lennon: We'd like to thank Frank for having us on here
Yoko Ono: Yeah, he's great, isn't he? He's the greatest . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Mark: That's the kind of guy [...]
Aynsley: When you just stopped it was running on your head
Howard: Well I had to do an Edward Arnold slow-burn, man, there was nothing else I could do, 'cept play it for all it was worth
Aynsley: I said the only other thing to do is go get another can of beer and pour it over HIS head . . .
Howard: Well, it was already getting silly, man. I mean, it was remedial as it is, I think . . .
FZ: Ha ha!
Howard: Let's not make it too childish
Aynsley: [...]
Mark: Every night for a year and a half, man, no matter how sick I was, or how I felt on stage . . .
?: Howie [...]
Mark: He, I used to sing, he used to sing "How is the weather" in "Happy Together" and pour a whole glass of water over my head, man, and he liked it so much that he made it an integral part of the show, the kids loved it, so I just let it keep happening
Aynsley: He can't stand it, man, that's all . . .
Mark: And you're just a pansy ass, kiss ass little girl . . .
?: Ha ha ha!
Mark: Simmons!
Howard: Beer is another thing, man! I'm fucking soaked!
Mark: They use beer in some shampoos, Howard
Howard: I don't give a shit, that's all I know it that water would dry up and not stain, and he ruined my shoes, man! I can't believe it
?: Ohhh!
Mark: Materialist!
Howard: Hey lookit, Pat McGregor!
Mark: Materialistic! Materialistic!
Howard: You're the dude who said . . .
(scuffle)
FZ: Oh oh oh!
Mark: Materialist!
?: Ohhh
Howard: Don't do it to you, I don't have any beer, man
Aynsley: Okay
Mark: "New York's so lonely . . . "
Howard: I can't even . . . you keep your hands off me you creep
Mark: "And you are the only . . . "
Jeff: You creep, ha ha!
Howard: Stop it, man!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
FZ: You know, a lotsa of people don't bother about their friends in the VEGETABLE KINGDOM. They think, "What can I say? What can a person who is new to the Midwest say to a vegetable?"
Howard: Suss it out, wankers!
Mark: Suss it out, wankers!
Mark & Howard: Suss it out, wankers!
Jeff: Suss it out, wankers
FZ: Suss it out, wankers!
Mark & Howard: Suss it out, wankers!
Aynsley: Suss it out, wankers . . . what's the matter with you?
Howard: Aynsley Dunbar!
FZ: And after sussed it out, wankers . . .
Mark: Ok
FZ: You go and get yourself a big bottle of champagne!
Mothers: AAAH!
FZ: Find yourself a young vegetable victim!
Mothers: Yeah!
FZ: Take your young vegetable victim . . . Step one, now this is very important, you have to do it exactly this way. Bring the band on down behind me, boys, this gets technnical! First: You get a Polaroid camera . . .
Mothers: Yeah!
FZ: And you make one good jump, from a balcony to another balcony on the seventh floor of the Sheraton Hotel in Jacksonville
Howard: Aynsley Dunbar, ladies and gentlemen
FZ: When you land on the other balcony with your Polaroid camera, something like this . . .
Mothers: Heeey!
FZ: Shoot off one good flashbulb catching . . . The agent will immediately turn around and say, "You know, I sure would like to have that photograph." You walk up to the agent and say, "Well, ha, funny you should mention it, I have this photograph here and just about time to develop it, yes it turned out great, it shows both of you here, and I'll give you this photograph if you'll give me the munchkin vegetable that you're with in order that I might make a few more pictures . . . " So you make a quick trade, holding the champagne bottle in abeyance until the rest of the members of your band have jumped over the same balcony . . .
Mothers: Eeeeeeeeh!
FZ: And come in and taken their places around the bed where the munchkin vegetable is laid out, posing: Leg up in the air and legs down, legs to the side. Then, after some deft manipulation of the vital parts of the munchkin vegetable . . .
Jeff: Hey, I want some baby to hold my tool and squeeze it
FZ: With one masterful stroke -you might use several masterful strokes- shake up the magnum of champagne to a foamy froth, holding your thumb over the end of it . . .
Aynsley: No, no, no . . . not the cork in, Frank, you pull the cork out . . . Suss it out, wankers!
Howard: They're a hip audience, Frank, they know what's gonna happen next!
FZ: After the band has given you their complete attention, and is watching closely for the precise moment of the detonation of the alcoholic beverage into the vital organ, you give a sort of casual glance around the bedroom of the Sheraton, a suave little smile and wink one eye, adjust your bow tie, and just stuff it right in there!
Mothers: Aaaah!
FZ: And then you tell 'em how you feel. You whip it right out, take a snort off of it . . .
Howard: How do you feel?
Mark: Aynsley Dunbar . . .
FZ: No, no, no . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
?: Oh, still drinks it, man . . . what a man! Gotta prove himself!
?: Talk about childish perversions!
?: Where's Simmons?
?: It don't matter, he's in the, he's gettin' out of it, man, he's no. . .
Aynsley: He knew what he's got out, man
Howard: I'll get him in it . . .
Aynsley: Lemme, lemme tell you something . . .
Howard: Say, you give me the cue and you let me know when is safe . . .
Aynsley: Ok, man, I don't mind being poured on my head, when I'm saturate . . . you can pour it on my head, any time
Howard: I don't wanna pour it on your head, man
George: What I'm waiting for, man?
Aynsley: Just shut up, Georgie
?: There he is, man
Howard: Fucking creep, I can't even stand it! You, you're so child I can't even believe it, man!
Mark: For a year and a half you used to pour water over my head
Howard: Water! It's what . . . I could have stood water!
?: Well, what I'm saying is . . .
Howard: He did it to me
?: A little bit . . .
Howard: A little bit? Feel that! It's still wet, man!
?: Well, listen, [...] look at that
?: We'll listen, man
?: Take me
?: Take me
?: I don't wanna hear . . .
?: Take me!
?: Take me, I'm yours!
?: I'll take you late, man!
?: It don't mean anything now, man! I hear you ranting and raving and you were gonna get me, man
Mark: What are you saying, man?
?: I was up on the second floor of the stairs, he's goin', "Wow, man!" [...] his voice it was getting uptight with eeeeeh!
Mark: What are you talking about, man? Nobody plotted to get you! You [...]
?: No, I mean just now!
Mark: You . . . Oh, that!
?: I didn't mean . . . No one plotted get me, no one wants to get me
Mark: Howard did
?: Now you do
Mark: I wanna get you . . . I'm gonna get you
?: Oh, yeah . . . get me, man

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
?: Put that mike down, Frank, it's obscene
?: [...]
George: Give me my little cup of brown sauce, let me dip my meat in
?: Oh, man
Jeff: Hundred dollars for Pinto beans, playground psychotics
?: I slipped my burning phallus in her quivering quim!
?: You like to offend these passengers, Underwood? Keep quiet!
?: Underwood, the only thing that offends are your green socks! Green velour!
?: Hot wets
?: Could you, could you repeat that?
?: . . . of your mind
?: Now, just take your hand off my leg
?: Take your hand off my leg
?: Listen, what is this? Okay, grab my tit, I'll sit still, you pervert. Howard, you're so low
?: The Andy Devine school of voice, you are low, Dunbar
?: I just keep . . .
Aynsley: I always keep it low ya, 'cause I'm only after one thing
?: God, you are an incredible man
?: Who?
?: Haven't any of the chics you've gone out with seen through you yet?
Aynsley: No, man, they're still quite like me

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
[includes The Look Of Love (Bacharach/David) and Wives And Lovers (Bacharach/David) as background music]

FZ: What's your name?
Mr Tickman: I'm Martin Tickman
FZ: And what is your position here?
Mr Tickman: Front office manager
FZ: The name of this stablishment is . . . ?
Mr Tickman: This is the Edgewater Inn
FZ: In Seattle, Washington. Can you tell me, uh, how some rock'n'roll groups have taken advantage of this unique situation?
Mr Tickman: They've taken advantage in different ways, and we do encourage, uh, and advertise that you can fish from your room and we are glad to have our guests fish from 'em
FZ: Do you supply them with fishing equipment?
Mr Tickman: No, but we have a shop in the hotel that does rent the equipment as well as bait
FZ: What sort of bait do they usually use?
Mr Tickman: Uh, it's a preserved minnow of some variety, I don't know exactly what the fish is
FZ: Well, what do they do after they fish from the window?
Mr Tickman: Well, rock'n'roll bands and other guests as well often catch shark and squid and octopus and usually we, it lands up either in the bath tub or dribbled on the floor on the way to the bath tub
FZ: Mm-mmh . . .
Mr Tickman: But it's not reserved to, uh, to any rock'n'roll bands, I mean, other guests do it too
FZ: Mm-mmh, but how frequently do you find squids and sharks and octopuses in the bath tubs of the rooms here at the hotel?
Mr Tickman: After almost any good weekend of pretty heavy occupancy, say like over half the house filled
FZ: If you have over the . . .
Mr Tickman: Way, way . . .
FZ: . . . over half house filled you'd find one, say?
Mr Tickman: Yeah, say, one or something like that
FZ: So how often would you say that is each week? Twice a week you'd find a . . . ?
Mr Tickman: Well, I would, I don't know that I would say that it would average to anything like that, you may find on four or five rooms with fish from various places, you know, around. But there's not much you can do with the shark after you've caught him, you know, some of these things are pretty big
FZ: What would you imagine is done with these, uh, sharks after they've been caught before they are left, uh, for you to be cleaned up?
Mr Tickman: Sometimes the guest calls the houseman or housekeeper to haul it away because there's nothing that they can do with it
FZ: Yeah, well. Have you ever heard of any other things that were done with them before they were hauled away?
Mr Tickman: Yes, a lot of, some people like to, uh, perform vivisection on 'em, or something like that. Occasionally you find that little bit of mess . . .
FZ: Yeah
Mr Tickman: I'll say that the, the, the "blood on the carpet" syndrome is rather, eh, rather rare, but it did occasionally happen
FZ: Do you ever find fish blood on the sheets of your beds here?
Mr Tickman: Not identifiable as such, no . . .
FZ: I see. Do you know of any stories about, uh, bizarre sexual activities performed with squid, octopus and mud sharks here in your rooms?
Mr Tickman: No . . . I should think a mud shark would be a little uncomfortable, since their skin is so sandy but, uh, never heard of anyone having it with an octopus

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Jeff: Let me tell you right now, man, you got your armies, you got your rock bands. You try and turn a rock band into an army, this is what you get

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Howard: Oh, that's really great! Botulism on the hoof!
Dick: Don't even look at it, Howard, you're over the deadline
Jeff: The new fascist ensemble says that you can't have anything to eat, man, 'cause you're over the deadline
Howard: What's that mean?
Dick: I told you to be down here at noon, man, you're five minutes late, so you can't order, listen, listen . . .
Howard: You . . . told [...], man
Dick: These guys ordered like ten minutes ago
Howard: It's like having Ronald Reagan for a road manager . . . what can you make me in two minutes?
Dick: The deal is that, uh . . .
Howard: . . . besides sick!
Dick: If you help me, uh, . . . for the airport, man, you be able to woof down some kind of scarf out there
Howard: What do you mean, "Woof down some kind of scarf out there"?
Dick: Then you can stick your fingers in your nose
Howard: I'm hungry, man
Dick: Eat a payday candy bar
Howard: Listen, how about a little dry cereal? How 'bout an orange juice
Dick: Never happened, man
Jeff: Hey, get it on tape, that Barber is a doofus, man

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Howard: I think the big problem, Ian, is that it sort of gotta go "HOO-HAA!" as you do it. HOO-WAAARGH!
Ian: You're gonna be the king, the spew king, really
?: Disintegrated in two seconds
Howard: Walter Dale
?: Oh, God, there's a few people here, I didn't
?: There are a lot people here
?: My God
?: They're all twelve years old and pimply
Aynsley: Are they penetratable?

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
[includes a quote from Petrushka (Stravinsky)]

Ooo-Ooo-Ooo etc., etc.,
AH-AH WA WA WA WA WA WA WAH!

I'm losin' status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school . . .
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
I was the king of every school activity
But that's no more . . . oh mama!
What will come of me?

The other night we painted posters
They played some records by the Coasters
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
A bunch of pom-pom girls looked down their nose at me.
They had painted tons of posters; I had painted three.
I hear the secret whispers everywhere I go
My school spirit is at an all-time low . . . BLA-A-A-A!

I'm losing status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school . . .
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
Everyone in town knows I'm a hand-some football star
I sing & dance & spray my hair & drive a shiny car
I'm friendly & I'm charming . . . I belong to De Molay
I'm gonna try like mad to get my status back today!
Status back baby
Status back baby
Status back baby
Status back baby

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
(M.O.I.)

[London
Probably November 29, 1970]

Howard: This fucking guy is flipped out, man! I'll be locked up!
?: Who, me . . . ?
Yeah, you too!
?: It was anti-semitic of me to bring it up
?: Why, you don't like Jews, man?
?: Let me make it perfectly clear, [...] I don't mind that you are Jew, stay out . . . Take your Bar Mitzvah man, and shove it
?: I never had a Bar Mitzvah
?: You ever had a Yamulka, man?
?: No, I wore one once, though . . .
?: I knew it
?: What's wrong? You don't like 'em, man? That was [...] my cowboy hat . . .
?: [...] Just keep it out of my way, man, I don't wanna see that Yamulka on stage ever . . .
?: Uh . . . well, I don't know, man, that'd be sorta neat, not in this group of course, but tomorrow
?: Alright, alright . . .
?: Howard Kaylan World!
?: The Yamulka
FZ: Ha ha ha!
: Dear Frank, thanks for paying a hundred twenty three dollars for my meal in Amsterdam, which I hated!
?: I mean it, man
?: I really enjoy playing in your little own ensemble
?: For a day or so
?: Thanks for bringing a little slice of sunshine into my life
?: Thanks for showing me how sh . . . shitty the music business could really be, I thought I knew
?: Thanks for make [...] worst bass player in the world
?: After six months with the Mothers I figured I've lost everything I've ever had

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
[Fillmore East, NYC
June 5-6, 1971]

Concentration Moon
(Over the camp in the valley)
Over the camp in the valley
(Concentration Moon)
(OH WHAT A)
Concentration Moon
(I wish I was back in the alley)
Wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends,
Still running free:
(Running free!)
Hair growing out
Every hole in me
(That's right, you heard right:
Hair growing out
Every hole in me!)
AMERICAN WAY
How did it start?
Thousands of creeps
Killed in the park
AMERICAN WAY
Try and explain
Scab of a nation
Driven insane
Don't cry
Gotta go bye bye
SUDDENLY: DIE DIE
COP KILL A CREEP! pow pow pow

FZ: And speaking of creeps, here they are, ladies and gentlemen . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
(Underwood, Volman, Kaylan)

[Fillmore East, NYC
June 5-6, 1971]

FZ: The Sanzini Brothers!
Howard: The Sanzini Brothers!

Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight by special request, we're going to repeat a trick that we performed last night. We hope that you will bear with, if you saw it, we hope that you enjoy it again . . .
?: Yeah, yeah, yeah
Howard: My brothers Adolf, Rudolph, Pissoff, and Jackoff. The Sanzini Brothers. And we'd like to perform for you tonight the world famous "Sodomy Trick"!

Complete silence, please!
The Sodomy Trick!
Quiet . . .
Hop!
Hop!
Hop!
Hop!

Little Carl . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
[Fillmore East, NYC
June 5-6, 1971]

FZ: Carl Sanzini will now join in on the second verse of "Concentration Moon"!
Howard: Why don't you?

Concentration Moon
Over the camp in the valley
(OH WHAT A)
Concentration Moon
Wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends,
Still running free:
(Carl Sanzini, ladies and gentlemen!)
Hair growing out
Every hole in me
(That's right, you heard right
And here's one for little Carl)
AMERICAN WAY
Threatened by US
Drag a few creeps
Away in a bus
AMERICAN WAY
Prisoner: lock
SMASH EVERY CREEP
IN THE FACE WITH A ROCK

Don't cry
(No no no no)
Don't cry
(No no no, no-no-no no no)
Don't cry
(No no no no)
Don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry
Don't shoot (no no no no no)
Don't shoot (no no no no no)
Don't shoot (no no no no no)
Don't shoot (no no no no no)
COP KILL A CREEP!
COP WANT A CREEP!
KILL ANOTHER CREEP!
KILL THE FUCKING CREEP!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
Howard: Ready, Madge?
FZ: You have to feel like . . . Art Laboe
Howard: Grow, little trees!

FZ: It's spring, the time of the year when all things grow and little buds are sprouting off of them . . .

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
[includes quotes from Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1 in D major (Edward Elgar), Johnny's Theme (Paul Anka), Off We Go Into The Wild Blue Yonder (Crawford), O Mein Papa (Paul Burkhard), Over The Rainbow (Harburg/Arlen), Star-Spangled Banner (Smith/Key), Suite: Judy Blue Eyes (Stephen Stills)]

One, two, three . . .

BILLY the Mountain
BILLY the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife ETHELL,
A tree!
A tree!

BILLY was a mountain
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

BILLY was a mountain
(BILLY was a mountain!)
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
(ETHELL was a tree growing off of his shoulder)
(hey, hey hey!)

Billy had two big
Caves for eyes,
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down,
And whenever it did,
He'd puff out some dust,
And hack up a boulder
(HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK! HACK!)
Up a boulder

Now, one day, now I believe it was on a Tuesday, a man in a checkered double-knit suit drove up in a large El Dorado Cadillac, leased from BOB SPREEN . . .

("Where the freeways meet in Downey!")

. . . And he laid a HUGE, BULGING ENVELOPE right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, that was right where his 'foot' was supposed to be.

Now, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for ALL OF THOSE YEARS, and finally, now, AT LAST, his Royalties!

Royalties!
Royalties . . .
Royalties!
Royalty check is in, honey!

Yes, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! Yes, and his eyeball-caves, they widened in amazement, and his jaw (which was a cliff), well it dropped thirty feet!

A bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders hacked up, (hack! hack!) crushing 'The LINCOLN'!

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It TOTALLED my car!

Oh, do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for THE VALLEY?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar!

By two o'clock, when the bars are already closed down, BILLY had broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHELL. And with dust and boulders everywhere, BILLY, choked with excitement, announced . . .

"ETHELL, we're going on a VACATION!"

Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHELL, ETHELL, ETHELL, like every little woman, she of course was very excited! She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her.) BILLY told ETHELL they were going to . . . Yes! They were going to NEW YORK!

"ETHELL, we're going to . . . New York!"

But first they were gonna stop in LAS VEGAS . . .

It's off to LAS VEGAS
to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles,
And drink a few beers,
(Oh, ETHELL!)

ETHELL, my darling,
you know that I love you!
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
(Oh, NEET-O!)

Glad we could have a
Vacation this year!

They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . . their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds (POO-AAH!)

"ETHELL, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?"

(Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!)

"Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CLAMS?"

The first noteworhty piece of real estate they destroyed was EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . . .

And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF . . . (We have ignition!) . . . got LUNCHED! I said LUNCHED! (Lunched!) By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN-IN and his SMALL, WOODEN WIFE.

"Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links THIS MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley SMUT RING! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN, in Torrance, Hawthorne, Lomita, Westchester, Playa Del Rey, Santa Monica, Tujunga, Sunland, San Fernando, Pacoima, Sylmar, Newhall, Canoga Park, Palmdale, Glendale, Irwindale, Rolling Hills, Granada Hills, Shadow Hills,Cheviot Hills, will provide the SECRET EVIDENCE the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a CRIMINAL INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER LEGISLATION, increased FEDERAL AID, and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of Bartenders and Veterinarians throughout the INLAND EMPIRE . . . "

WITHIN THE WEEK, Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon ("Wah wah wah, nice lady!") to raise funds for the injured (injured . . . ) and homeless (homeless . . . ) in Glendale, as BILLY had just levelled it, and, a few miles right outside of town, BILLY caused a 'Oh Mein Papa' in the Earth's crust, right over the SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS (right near the 'Jack-In-The-Box' on Glenoaks) where they keep the POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS, and OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS, just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . . .

Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch ( "Toto . . . !") just playing ( "Come on, Toto . . . !") and having a nice time with his little accordion ("Toto . . . !"), and this weird wind came up ("Toto . . . !"), direct from Glendale ("Toto . . . ! Toto . . . !"), blowing these terrible germs in his direction ("Come here, Toto . . . !"), and all of this caused ("Toto . . . !") by a huge mountain ("Aunty Em!")!

"Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly . . . "

. . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of WATTS!!!

Now, unless I misunderstood, it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio when BILLY received his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION PHYSICAL. Now, lemme tell ya, ETHELL said, now ETHELL, ETHELL said she wasn't gonna let him go!

"I'm not gonna let you go, BILLY!"

"THAT'S RIGHT! We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED ORANGE COUNTY MINISTER, that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE COMMUNIST, and it is This Reporter's Opinion that she also practices (COVEN!) WITCH-CRAFT!"

It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA HERSELF'! (And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not Chief Reddin) This one MAN was STUDEBAKER HOCH, fantastic new SUPER HERO of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP.

(Oh) Now, some folks say he looked like (he was like, he was like) ZUBIN MEHTA (Zubin Mehta); still others say (others say he), bullshit, honey (bullshit, man) he's just another greasy guy who happened to be born next to the Frozen Beef Pies at BONEY'S MARKET. (Others say he was just a, just a) Still others say, John, piss on you, Jack! (crazy Italian) He's just a crazy Italian who drove a RED CAR. You see (nobody knows for sure 'cause he was so), nobody ever really knew for sure, because STUDEBAKER was so-o-o-o-o-o mysterious (mysterious) . . .

HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!

HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!

'Cuz when a person gets to be
Such a HERO, folks,
And MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE,
You can never REALLY TELL
About a GUY LIKE THAT
(Whether he's really a NICE PERSON
Or if he just SMILES A LOT),
(What?)
Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO',
Or what?

Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' or what?

Some men say he could FLY
Some men say he could SWIM
Others say he could SING (like NEIL SEDAKA),
And all the girls in FLUSHING
Would be AMAZED of HIM
(Two, Three!)
AMAZED of HIM!
(Amazed!)
(Amazed!)

Time passes . . .
January, February, March, July . . .
Wednesday . . .
August . . .
Irwindale . . .
. . . 2:30 in the afternoon, Sunday, Monday . . .
Funny Cars!
Walnut!
Friday
City of Industry . . .
Big John Mazmanian!

So when the phone rang
In the secret briefcase,
A strong masculine hand
With a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch
And flexy bracelet
GRABBED IT
And answered
In a deep, calmly assured voice:

"So . . . ah . . . yeah, yeah, hello already . . . what? . . . Well, yeah? . . . Ah, are you kidding . . . ? You're not kidding . . . a mountain . . . ? With a tree growing off of its shoulder . . . ? Aw, you're fulla shit, man . . . ah, listen, by the way, before I go on; did you get those white albums I sent ya with the pencil on the front . . . ? Yeah . . . ? Yeah, you should move some of those for me, we're having a lot of . . . listen, so kiss little Jakee on the head . . . and, ah, how's your wife's hemorrhoids? Oh, that's too bad . . . Listen . . . so you've got a mountain, with a tree, listen, causing . . . oh, my! Well, let me write this down . . . sorta take a few notes here . . . yeah . . . ? To El Segundo, huh? Causing UNTOLD DESTRUCTION? (my baby, my baby) Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? An expense account? And per diem, too?"

SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE!

They said he could DANCE, and, of course, THEY were right! Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it: THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING LESSON & COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE featuring Aynsley Dunbar, hit it!

Hey! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly!
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . . Hey!

RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE LEFT SHOULDER
TO THE HEART-Uh

Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . .

NOBODY can DANCE like STUDEBAKER HOCH! So many rumors have spread about STUDEBAKER HOCH! (A rumor . . . a rumor . . . ) Consider this rumor (a rumor . . . ), which was published (a rumor . . . ) about three weeks ago in ROLLING STONE!

Oh, it's gotta be true!

STUDEBAKER HOCH can write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a pin!

"NO!"

Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO DO DO!
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO!
etc.

(I'm so HIP!)

BEEF PIES!

He was born next to the BEEF PIES,
Underneath JONI MITCHELL'S autographed picture,
Right beside ELLIOT ROBERTS' big Bank Book,
Next to the boat
Where CROSBY flushed away all his stash
And the cops
Got him in the boat and drove away
To THE CAN
Where Neil Young slipped another disc

FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!

(And that was the main influence on HIM!)

The influence of a Frozen Beef Pie!

Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife (who ran a modeling school), WHEREUPON HE . . . yes, HE ran around the back of 'THE BROADWAY' at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine to see if he could find himself some big large, un-used cardboard boxes (no shit!)

After which, he hit up the RALPH'S on Sunset for some 'AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP', some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', and a pair of blunt scissors! Hey-hey!

Yes! Yes, and in the parking lot of RALPH'S, where "no prizes are lower prizes than RALPH'S," in the parking lot of RALPH'S (in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking), he cut out some really, really, really NICE WINGS, and he covered them thoroughly with foil!

Thorough-LY wi-TH (e-e-e-e-e) FOIL-L-L!

Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . . .

YES!! Yes! And then he SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! And he pulled down his blue denim policeman type trouser pants, and he spread even amounts of AUNT JEMIMA maple syrup all over the inside of his legs!

Soon the booth was filling with flies!

(Help me, help me, help me!)

He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in (Yes! Yeah!), and when each and every one of those little cocksuckin' flies had gone into his pants, and they were lapping up all that maple syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said in a very clear, impressive, RON HUBBARD-type voice . . .

"NEW YORK!"

. . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky!

STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!

STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!

He's coating his legs
With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down!

His shorts'll be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around!

Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He's really outa sight!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He does it every night!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He treats the flies all right
STOODLA-BAKER HOCH
That's why they never bite, hey!

(Please to New York!
Fly to New York!)

He could be a DOG
Or a FROG
Or a LESBIAN QUEEN!

(Fly to New York!)

He could be a NARK
Or a LADY MARINE!

Or he might play dirty!
He's OVER THIRTY!
(Getting old? Say! I don't know!)

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on

And speaking of mountains, we'll join STUDEBAKER HOCH on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth. Take it away:

"Ah . . . ya, ya, ya, hey-ah BILLY, ah, listen . . . I've come to REASON with you! Our GREAT COUNTRY needs you in the Armed Forces! Your NUMBER came up . . . you can't go on running like this forever."

Oh! But ETHELL just shook her twigs angrily, but STUDEBAKER HOCH, calm, cool, collected, and UN-ferturbed, continued . . .

"Ya, well listen, you (cough cough) . . . listen, you COMMUNIST SON-OF-A-BITCH! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for FILL DIRT in some impending New Jersey MARSH RECLAMATION . . . and your girl-friend there will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards (or a DOG HOUSE) . . . get the (cough, cough), GET THE PICTURE?"

Yeah, well, BILLY just laughed:

"HO, HO, HO! If they think they're gonna draft ME, they're CRAZY!"

Unfortunately, because STUDEBAKER HOCH was standing on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth when the giant mountain laughed, STUDEBAKER HOCH lost his footing and fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!

"Aaahhhhh . . . oh fuck, I'm gonna need a TRUSS . . . "

Oh, listen, that only goes to show you, and it'll show you once again that . . .

A Mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)

Don't fuck with BILLY (No!)
And don't fuck with ETHELL
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)

DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!

With

Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly

BIDDILLY
THE
MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN!

(Eddie, are you kidding?)

Eddie, are you kidding?

FZ: Oh, I forgot to mention this is where we take our intermission, we'll see you in a few minutes . . .
(Thank you!)
FZ: We'll be back!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Playground Psychotics
?: Smurf mee!
?: Smurf meee!
?: Metz
Jeff: Right Howard?
Howard: Right Jeff, we're going for the money, all the way

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Ahead Of Their Time
[FZ rhythm guitar
Tommy Mars keyboards
Arthur Barrow bass
Chad Wackerman drums]

Thing-Fish:

Once upon a time, musta been 'round October, few years back, in one o' dose TOP SECRET LABMO-TORIES de gubbnint keep stashed away underneath Virginia, an EVIL PRINCE, occasion'ly employed as a part-time THEATRICAL CRITICIZER set to woikin' on a plot fo de systematic GENOCIDICAL REMOVE'LANCE of all unwanted highly-rhythmic individj'lls an' sissy-boys!

De cocksucker done whiffed up a secret POTIUM . . . an' right 'long wid it, de ATROCIOUS IDEA dat what he been boilin' up down deahhhh jes' mights be de FINAL SOLUTIUM to DE WHITE MAIN'S 'BOIDENNN', ef yo' acquire my drift . . .

Well, he were sure he had a GOOD THING GOIN' . . . but, dere was always de possobility dat somethin' might fuck up, so, he planned to have a little test, jes' to check it all out befo' he dump't it in de wattuh supply.

Sho'tly denafter, wit HIGH-LEVEL GUBNINT COROBBERATIUM, he arranged to have a good-will visit to SAN QUENTIM, 'long wit some country-westin mu-zishnin's, 'n sprinkle a little bit of it on some of de boys in deahhh (since dey done used a few of 'em befo' when dey was messin' wit de ZYPH'LISS).

So, heah dey come wit de POTIUM, dump'nit all in de mash potatoes!

Den dey wen' up to de warden's office fo' some HOT TODDY, watchin' a little football while dey's waitin' to see what gone happen!

Fact o' de matter were: NOTHIN' HAPPENED, so dey went off'n dribbled it in a special shipnint of GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH dat went out 'bouts NOVEMBER!

Next thing y'know, fagnits be droppin' off like flies . . . 'long wit a large number of severely-tanned individj'lls, pre-zumnably of HAY'CHEN EXTRAKMENT!

But NOT DE BOYS IN DE REST HOME! Oh no! Mixin' de shit wit de mash potatoes done SMOOTHED IT OUT a little, so's it wouldn't KILL yo' ass, BUT, it sho' would make y'ugly! 'N ef y'was already UGLY, it'd make yo ass MEAN 'n UGLY . . . 'n ef you was already MEAN 'n UGLY, it'd turn ya into a strange, UNKNOWN KREETCHUH, never befo' seen on BROADWAY!

Thass right! It'd turn ya' into a 'MAMMY NUN'! Head like a potato . . . lips like a duck . . . big ol' hands, puffin' up! BIG ONES! Science! ME-jev'l re-LIJ-mus costumery all over yo' BODY! Yow! Oh yeah! Mmmm-hmmm!

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Ahead Of Their Time
FZ: The rejected Mexican pope leaves the stage.

Ensemble:
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE . . .

FZ: Motorhead is attempting to join the band . . . The band . . . Undaunted, the band plays on

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Artist : FRANK ZAPPA
Album : Ahead Of Their Time
(Black & FZ)

FZ: At this very moment Jimmy Carl Black the Indian of the group is approaching the stage. Jimmy Carl, who likes to drink and also likes to boogie all night long and who is also horny, approaches Underwood in his transformed state at the piano and asks him this all important question:

JCB: Hey I thought we were gonna play a Rock & Roll concert. What is this?
Ian: Jimmy Carl Black, Indian of the group: four-fours.
JCB: How are you gonna get laid if you dont play rock & roll and drink beer? You get laid after the concert if you play rock & roll, this kind of crap you're not gonna, you're not gonna get laid anyway with that uniform on. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna quit I'm gonna go out and hustle me some chick, the hell with you.
Ian: Jimmy, you need some discipline.
JCB: I'm leaving the group.
Ensemble: Boo! Boo!

FZ: Jimmy Carl, I must inform you, I must inform you, Jimmy Carl, for your own good, that here in London you're not gonna get any pussy unless you look like a popstar. Fix him up! . . . Mod Jacket . . .
(JCB: Oh Jeezus . . . )
FZ: Frilly Mod Neckpiece, Jimi Hendrix wig, and a Feather Boa.

JCB: WAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

FZ: Jimmy Carl Black enters the audience to hustle some young ladies. Go on Jim, see if you can get any action, and if you get lucky fix us up too. And if you're really lucky, get something for the robots . . . Mmmm, their little mechanical things are going up and down, up and down . . .

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